My Ghostly Affairs-Conclusion (without ghost)

(-continued after the last post-)

           After a (not so) thrilling night of ghost hunting we returned to our respective rooms. I slept very well. Got up at 9 the next morning, it was Sunday by the way. The mess served paper roast (very thin but very large dosa), which was my favorite. I ate a lot and slept again. Sure we had exam the next day, but I was one of those arrogant guys who won’t start studying until the exam is less than 12 hours away, which I was going to regret soon.

            I woke up again at about 11 in the morning, not for studying but because I got bored of sleeping. I went to the restroom for freshening up. I don’t know what happened next. I was standing there in front of mirror and suddenly everything went black.

            I woke up to the sound of my friends talking. When I opened my eyes I was lying on my bed and everyone was looking at me. It’s an awkward feeling when you wake up and find everyone sitting around you looking at you, like I’m some celebrity.

            In a movie like manner I looked around and said, “Where am I?”

            A friend sitting nearby said, “Nothing dude, no need to worry. You just banged your head on the floor of bathroom and went unconscious.” Well that’s reassuring.

            I tried to get up but couldn’t. It was like my head was plastered on my neck. Any movement to the neck sent a million volt electricity into the whole body. I just lied there thinking about what happened in the restroom, but it was like my memory was erased. I just remember standing there. It’s nothing paranormal though, I hope. This oblivion is just a side effect of being knocked out.

            Apparently, what must have happened is, due to sudden waking up and walking (to the bathroom) there was a head rush which made me feel a little dizzy. It happens to everyone some time or other, immediately after getting up after a long time and if you stay put it passes away. I must’ve lost balance for a second and fell back straight like a statue. Bad luck for me, I hit some very sensitive part on the back of my head, like some restart button on me, and I was logged out of reality. Later I found out that while I was lying there my eyes were open. A Hindi guy came to the restroom, saw me lying there motionless, thought me for dead, and ran away even without finishing his business what he came for. Then one of my friends happened to come there and saw me lying. He ran to my room and told everyone and so I was brought to the safe embrace of my bed.

            The guy who saw me first didn’t tell anyone as he didn’t wish to be part of a police case. Maybe he was hoping to hear the news of a dead boy and act surprised. His roommates noticed him nervous the whole day and asked what’s up with him. He muttered, “One man dead in bathroom” by which time I had recovered. One of his roommates was my classmate who assured him that nobody had died indeed. Later “One man dead in bathroom” became a famous phrase among my friends, to mock me.

            Back to my story. Someone applied Iodex on my neck but the pain was killing me. I told them I couldn’t turn my neck. To make matters worse, guys had seen a Tamil movie called ‘Sivi’ the previous night on TV (also ‘Shutter’ in English). It shows a guy suffering with neck pain only to find out in the end (spoiler alert!) that a ghost is sitting on him all the time. It took no time for the guys to connect the movie with my neck pain and the ghost hunting we went to the previous night. I don’t think it made any difference when I said that we saw no ghost there. I was named “Pei pudi” which loosely translates to “Ghost Catch”. It’s not clear who caught whom from the name. Even today some of my college friends call me that (which is annoying btw).

             The greatest tragedy wasn’t that I was hurt or that I threw up a couple of times or that people called me haunted or the annoying nickname, but we had university exam the very next day. It was evening by the time I could sit straight. Whole head still hurt like hell. I had to turn like a robot to look at anything or anyone. It was frustrating and the fact that I couldn’t concentrate on studying on top of this pain was pissing me off. I wished I could just remove my head for some time to get away from the pain and study a little. But the eyes are with the head so… never mind, it’s a bad joke anyway. Point is I was sure I’m going to fail this time.

            I had not touched the book yet, because I always studied the last night before exam. All the other times, I had been very lucky and got away with my express study routine, without flunking. They called me lucky guy for a reason. Whatever question I read last before entering the exam hall, came in the paper. Or perhaps it’s the other way around, because the question paper was printed long before I read that answer. It worked for me every damn time. I really don’t know how. Now, it was like someone ‘up there’ finally found me cheating the system and wanted to teach me a lesson for not reading my lessons. To make it even worse, it started raining. ‘He’ was pointing finger at me, laughing and saying “Beta thu tho ab gaya” or ”Mavane setha di nee” or “You are screwed my son” and in many other languages. It was a pain in the neck, literally.

            It was a theoretical paper but with some mathematical problems. Great isn’t it, no hope at all. I learned how to solve a few problems that the question paper might contain. Couldn’t study any other theory parts, I was already overloaded, not with info but with pain. This wasn’t some theory where I could write my own thesis in exam paper. It was science; you had to understand it, which wasn’t going to happen with this excruciating pain. Finally I thought,

“I’m going to flunk anyway. There’s no point fighting the battle after knowing you’re lost. Why not take some good rest before I take the fall.”

           Only problem, I couldn’t sleep either. I tried different positions but my neck wasn’t agreeing in any of them. The pain got worse after the turning and twisting. In the end, a friend who had breathing trouble and chronic cold taught me how he sleeps when he has trouble sleeping. He folded the pillow in an inverted ‘U’ shape and I put my head in it. It was comfortable since I won’t be able to move my neck now involuntarily during sleep. All was good, except one thing. The damn rain won’t go. It started thundering just to mock me even more. I covered my ears and after a long battle, finally dozed off.

            Next morning, I’m sitting in the hall. I receive the question paper. “What’s this non-sense?” I say. I don’t know anything on the question paper. It’s all gibberish. Nothing I learned the previous night. I look at my friends around. They’re all lost in the paper. “Traitors” I curse. I look again at the paper. Where are the problems, I’m only good with problems. I’ve never heard of such things on the question paper. I try to look at the paper of the girl sitting in front. Just then the invigilator comes from the back, “What are you doing? Get up.”

            I woke up with a start. I realized it’s morning, and with that the pain in the neck came back. Just a bad dream, I told myself. Not gonna be a dream much longer, my mind replied. There was lot of sound outside. People don’t make noise when they’re preparing for exam. That’s the time when even the burliest of bullies makes peace with the nerd. At least in the morning, a couple of hours before exam, you can even see people in the restroom brushing teeth with a book in one hand. They eat with a book, spill coffee on the book. So why this disturbance?

            I came out of the rooms. Guys were moving excitedly to and fro. Soon my roommate came from the outside.

            “What’s up with the noise? Did someone die for real?” I asked (like I cared). Nothing could be good in my condition. I was sure of it.

            “No dude, your lucky stars shined again” he said grinning.

            “I’m in pain and that’s not sign of luck.” I said.

            “Nope, but the exam has been postponed due to heavy rain last night.”

            No frigging way, I thought. Nature isn’t so cruel after all. Even better, the exam was scheduled for 2 weeks after this day. So I had enough time to go home, get some treatment, have the much needed rest, and of course study for the exam. The subject was “Signals and Systems”. If you studied in any one of Anna university affiliated colleges in the 2007-11 batch, you would remember that an exam was postponed in our 2^nd year (3^rd semester). But then again I studied on the last day. Some habits never go. Unfortunately many people failed in that exam even after getting so much time, but hey, I passed.

            I’m not the only one cheating with the education system, because as soon as the university had announced holiday, the rain stopped. It was like He turned off the faucet.

New Theory: We could use this power, you know. Whenever a region is having heavy downpour and there’s a threat of flood, ask the educational institutions in that area to announce holiday. The rain will stop. Works every time!

My Ghostly Affairs-3

Incident three:

            I was in 2^nd year of college. We were staying in the hostel and university exams were going on. There are two periods in life when even the most boring stuff like the sky, the wall, the chair looks beautiful. One- if you are in love and two- if you have exams. So we started developing interests in every useless thing around us and one of them was ghost hunting. If you have stayed in hostel during college, you must have gone through that phase where everyone claim that there’s a ghost of someone who died in the hostel. Amazingly the ghost is said to be a girl (even if it’s a men’s hostel) because, well… female ghosts are scarier.

            We went through that phase in the 1^st year. People started spreading rumors that there’s a ghost lady in the hostel whom some people could hear at night. Now you may ask how a lady came into boys’ hostel (and died) but we are talking about the logic of ghosts, so chuck logic. One of our classmates even swore that he saw the reflection of a horribly scary woman, with teeth like sabertooth, on the mirror in the bathroom. Once I went to fill my water bottle from the water cooler (at 1am) and I heard the ‘chal chal’ of anklets behind me. I didn’t turn around and the sound faded away. When I told this to my friends they said it’s my good luck that I didn’t turn, because the ghost slaps anyone who turns. Guys were so afraid of leaving room at night that they went to bathroom in groups, like girls (no offense ladies). One such occasion a friend of mine begged me to come to the bathroom with him, but he got freaked out anyway because his shadow ‘showed up’ on the wall unannounced. Another friend said during a night walk his shadow was walking faster than him. People were scared crazy and were keeping curry leaves in their rooms because it’s been ‘proven’ that this particular leaf repels ghosts. It was hopeless and there was nothing that the warden could do to stop them.

            The fear gradually faded away… until the aforementioned 2^nd year university exams. Nobody used to come out of their room, not because of fear of ghosts but that of exams. But then stories spread that some people could smell jasmine flower from their rooms. Since jasmine is something that only girls wear on them and this was boys’ hostel, it was clear to the guys that it was a ghost. Later it was found that it was one of the guys spraying jasmine powder over the ventilation shaft that caused the aroma.

            One of the good practices followed by our hostel was that they’ll provide hot tea and coffee at 10pm everyday for the duration of the exams. The coffee would keep us awake long enough that we’ll go into a half asleep stupor and do stupid things. It was during one of those nights, Saturday to be precise, high with caffeine, we decided to hunt ghosts.

            We asked the boy who brings tea if he had heard of ghost in the hostel. He said, “I’m not sure about the hostel but there’s ghost in the mess on 1^st floor (the mess where we eat not the kind of mess we do on exams). We’ve heard it crying ‘ooooooohhhh ooooooohh’ ”. I’ve got to admit there was fear in his eyes.

            “Really?! You’ve heard ghosts for real? And management believes you?” I asked.

            “Yes, yes! Those are the ghosts of people who died during construction of the college. Everyone working here knows about them”, he said. So that explains how a lady got into men’s hostel.

            “In fact we keep food for them on the roof of mess whenever we serve non-veg food or else the ghosts will get angry. In the morning the food is gone. They are the reason we serve food only on the ground floor mess at nights not on the 1^st floor”, he continued, “Because that’s where THEY are!” This guy should make horror movies.

            “That’s it”, I said to my friends after the boy left, “Let’s bust this myth once and for all. Either we’ll be myth busters or ghost busters. ”

            “Okay! Let’s check it out”, said my friends bravely.

            The mess was close to our hostel. There was just a small badminton court separating the buildings. We reached the bottom of the stairs. “Let’s go” I said to my friends.

            “You go first, we’ll follow” said one of them.

            “C’mon where’s your bravery now”, I glared at them and climbed the steps slowly. I have to admit I was scared even though I don’t believe in ghosts, but as they say “the only way to destroy a fear is by facing it”.

            After reaching the top stair I looked down. To my relief the guys were behind me a couple of stairs below. I was ducking so no one could see us from inside the mess window if someone happens to be resting inside. I pushed my face closer to the closed gate of the mess to see if I could catch a glimpse of something.

            ‘tok’ ‘tok’ ‘tok’ ‘tok’.

            I heard footsteps, and they were close.

            Quite surprisingly my first thought wasn’t about a ghost. I thought someone saw us climbing the stairs and was coming to seize us. I didn’t wish to be detained at the time of exams. So, I took a step back in shock of hearing the sound and whispered “someone’s coming”.

            I took the second step back and looked back to make sure I’m not stepping on someone. But nobody was there. As soon as they had seen me take a step back they ran for their dear lives. Now I was stuck alone. The sound kept coming.

            ‘tok tok tok’

            Thankfully one of the friends came back and climbed the stairs when he saw that I hadn’t come down yet. Having him on the side I took a deep breath and looked inside the gate again.

            The gate was at the entrance of the mess and inside it were the many wash basins or rather a giant basin with several taps. One of them was leaking.

            ‘tok’ ‘tok’ ‘tok’.

            “hell, this is it?”, he looked at me.

            “Dude it really sounded like footsteps,” I replied and we went back down.

            My ‘brave’ friends hadn’t gone to their rooms after all. They were downstairs, probably hoping to hear my scream when the ghost caught me.

            “What was it?” one asked.

            “Nothing, just a leaking tap, like in the movies. Such a waste of time.” I said.

            “Ha ha ha! You got scared of a tap? I thought you’re the brave one.” one of them ridiculed.

            “Why did you guys run? At least I had something to be scared of.” I pointed.

            Nobody said anything. We went back to our rooms. I realized that if I had run like the others I would’ve thought it was something else. It would’ve puzzled me for life. The guys would’ve twisted the story to prove that they saw a ghost and it would’ve circulated the college like the other stories. I am grateful for that friend who stood by me and my ounce of bravery that didn’t let me run. If only I had this courage during my previous encounters. I could’ve figured out their mystery too.

            For this one, I closed the case busting the myth of 'ghosts in the mess' like Fred from Scooby Doo saying “There are no such things as ghosts”. But the story doesn’t end here.

            Next morning (Sunday) I was found on the floor of the bathroom, unconscious.

My Ghostly Affairs-2

“True Story”-Barney Stinson (after reading this)

Incident two:

            10^th standard now. Finally got out of the habit of wetting the bed. One such night I felt the urge to discharge the stock and went to bathroom. Don’t worry, nothing was in the bathroom. After finishing the business I returned to my work location i.e the hall where I slept. Let me help you get the picture of the hall. It’s a huge hall with a table at either end. One table lies near the bathroom area where I went. Along the other table we used to spread two bed sheets for my sister and I to sleep. Getting the picture?

            Now when I entered the hall I saw a figure standing right on my bed sheet turned towards that table. My first reaction was shock and a mini heart attack. I took a few steps back in terror. I wasn’t wearing my glasses ( I’m not blind without them though) so in the light of the night lamp I could see a white baniyan(vest) and a lungi but no face since he was turned towards the other table. It should be my dad or my grandpa, I thought. From the shape I decided it’s my dad.

            Sighing a relief I wondered what he was doing here in the middle of the night. As my sleepiness faded I realized he must have come for water that we used to keep on that table. Now thirst is something like a yawn. We see someone drinking and we suddenly realize we need water too. Instinctively, I checked on my right to the nearest table to see if it has jug of water. Nothing was there.  So I turned towards my dad, opening my mouth to ask for water. Nothing was there too. No water, no dad. My mouth was still open but nothing came out. And just so I’m clear, in case you have any doubt, I turned and looked too quick for my dad to run and hide in his room. And my dad doesn’t have a super power of invisibility also, so that’s not an explanation either (hmmm).

            I didn’t know what to do. It was pointless to keep standing there. So I went and lied down on the very spot where I had just seen someone/something standing. I can make myself believe that the first incident was just a cat (a huge white clothed cat) but this I’m not sure to this day. But thank god it happened AFTER I went to the bathroom.

My Ghostly Affairs-1

“Things aren’t always what they seem”

Paranormal activities are actually pretty Normal these days. We hear of them everyday. Ghosts recorded on tape, pictures, recorded voices. Poor ghosts can’t turn a corner for privacy, without getting caught on a security camera. Poor souls, literally. They scream in fear when they see us, which in turn makes us scream in fear and the chain goes on.

“Have you seen a human? God, their scream takes the death out of me”-said one ghost to another

Nothing completes a night camp without some spooky stories. We even have a few experiences of our own. What we don’t understand, we call paranormal. Until science explains these manifestations, let’s have some fun and get scared witless.

I’m going to reminisce some of my paranormal encounters. They are long so I have to narrate them one by one. If you have some, please comment.

Incident one:

            I was in 8^th standard. My cousin and I were playing hide and seek with the girl downstairs. It was my turn to ‘seek’ so I started counting to 100 while they went and hid. My cousin had a poor choice of hiding spot, as obvious as finding Obama (where is he? In the freaking white house). So I found him pretty easily and we both started looking for the girl (who was like Osama in hiding). I know he shouldn’t help me but he had nothing else to do and was happy to help me “finish it of the game!”

            Our last point of search was her home. Her mom was walking outside so we figured she’ll be alone in her home. We looked inside through the window. It was late evening and there was no electricity (power cut was common in tamilnadu even at those times). In the darkness, we saw the girl crawling quickly left to right in the far end of the bedroom (small portion of the bedroom was visible from here). From the direction she went I could guess that she was hiding beneath the bed. We locked the house from the outside and giggled like girls. I thought we’ll give her a scare in the dark.

            As we were looking through the window, waiting for her to feel uncomfortable and come out only to find the door locked and freak out, someone tapped on my shoulder. It was her, standing behind me asking “Are you guys still playing that game? Mom asked me to go buy some stuffs so I went to the shop”. Now it was our turn to freak out. We looked at the lock on the door, then her, then the lock, then again her. But without any emotion on our face, like gentlemen we bid farewell and went upstairs to our home, looked at each other blankly and thought “what is this witchcraft?”

            Needless to say we had to wash our pants later.

IRCTC for Dummies

We have all used trains, at least once. I have travelled dozens of dozen time. It’s a magical experience, isn’t it?  You can experience the whole country through that window, the farms, the rivers, lakes, beautiful trees, and the occasional stone thrown by naughty kids and the dirty water from the window behind. It’s amazing.

It’s Diwali time and I know most of us don’t have the luxury to use airlines. Unless you fake a meeting and use company money for airline, you have to take a train and book ticket for yourself.

Being one of the largest railway networks in the world, it is very hard to maintain thousands of trains. So our railway government has instead invested millions on this beautiful creation, a tool, a portal, to make it all seem hilariously simple. Behold, the IRCTC!

Here’s what its Chief Architect has to say- “Our IRCTC is designed in such a way that after going through all the trouble to book the ticket, even the hellish of train journey will look pleasant.”

So I made this step-to-step instruction on how to book a ticket for those new to this enigma, and to make the journey ever easier.

Warning: Use this only if you don’t want to experience the portal in its fullest glory.

Dummies’ guide to book train ticket through IRCTC portal:

1. Wake up on time.

2. Login after three failed attempts because you forgot the password due to disuse. Then realize that it’s not due to wrong password but the screen is actually saying “Service currently not available”.

3. Throw up your hands in despair, and say “When was it ever available”. Login correctly.

4. Select the origin and destination. Click search.

5. Open your mouth wide when it shows that no seats are available. Then realize you forgot to change the date and it was showing today’s train. Change it!

6. Select your preferred train. If seats are available hit ‘Book’.

7. Connection error. Don’t get angry. Not yet. That’s how they’ve designed it. It’s all part of the grand design. Try again.

8. If you were born lucky and your stars are still shining, you’ll be redirected to a form. Fill out the form quickly before seats run out. This is a real test for your typing skills.

9. Then comes the “type from the image” part. This is tricky. It’s supposed to be a test that you are, in fact, a sentient being and not a dog trying to book a ticket. But there’s a trap. It takes longer to load the image than what your patience can allow. You will be tempted to reload the page. DON’T! Restrain yourself. Reloading will take you back to the login page and you’ll blow up. Like previously said, it’s a test. The portal is assessing your ability to keep your cool. Honestly, if you can’t control yourself now, how can you refrain from killing some irritating fool in the train? It’s a very trying and tiring journey.

10. When you’re done with this page hit ‘go’ in the bottom.

11. If everything goes well this will most likely take you to an error page.

12. Curse aloud. This will help you keep your composure.

13. Try filling the form again. Don’t worry, the second time always works.

14. Alright, that wasn’t totally true. Maybe the third time will work. Loop.

15. Got it right? Now the payment page will show up. Choose your mode of payment. I prefer card payment. Once I tried online banking but my password had expired. Thankfully it provided a link to change the password, but then it didn’t go back to the previous page. When I got back to IRCTC page my login had expired as well (totally worthwhile experience). So, stick to the cards. Enter your card number and the other numbers.  Make no mistakes here. Mistakes are the prerogative of IRCTC.

16. If you entered your figures right it’ll now go to the bank’s secure link to confirm your identity. Nothing can go wrong here, unless you entered your password wrong that is. Hit ‘Next’ with head held high and collar raised. You have done it!

17. Look at the running dots for a while. Your request is being processed. In any minute now you’ll get the tickets.

18. What? Error again? Let me guess, no ticket booked but your money was sucked into that black hole, right?

19. Curse even more. Summon all your energy to your palm, roll it into a fist and punch the monitor with all your might, but then realize that it’s a very costly PC and pull it back before the punch is delivered. Punch the wall nearby instead.

20. Apply bandage over the wound.

21. Claim a refund. Actually you don’t have to. The portal is very clever. It’ll transfer the amount to your account in a couple of days. It’s crafted to automatic perfection, you see. But in all this hassle, all the tickets would’ve already been booked.

22. Try next day. (This one is the most important step)

All the best. J

UPDATE: Now, theoretically, we can book flight tickets through IRCTC portal. I would like to have fries with THAT piece of cake.

With Halloween comes the horror

    It’s Halloween night folks. Though we don’t have much to do with the day, we do know a lot about this commercially successful festival of the west. Pumpkin carvings with candles in them. Hmmm, food in candle light, so romantic.

    All I know is that, this is the day (or night) when the dead allegedly visit the living world, for what purpose I don’t know. Maybe they get a break from their busy schedule (Halloween is a holiday you know). So, the clever living people dress up as the dead to confuse them. This reminds me of a scene from ‘Walking Dead’ comics where the guys smear zombie blood on themselves so the zombies will ‘think’ them as their own kind.

    This is the time when little kids dress up as cute paranormals like grim reaper, witch, vampire, werewolf, Frankenstein’s monster, Jack O’ Lantern etc and solicit/beg/threaten their neighbors for treats. This is also the time when teenagers can officially dress up as the same freakishly scary characters but with ‘slutty’ being the first name of the character like ‘slutty vampire’ (yes, I saw ‘Mean Girls’). Mother Earth apparently got fed up and sent SANDY to wash off the excessive makeup.

    During a festival like this we develop this weird inclination towards the paranormal. I am so inclined already that any more inclination and I’ll fall flat on my face and will look like a paranormal creature myself. Anyway I’ve got some horror movies on download list and will be watching tonight hopefully.

According to tradition, if a person wears his or her clothes inside out and then walks backwards on Halloween, he or she will see a witch at midnight. I would love to try that tonight but I’m afraid our place is out of the witch’s jurisdiction.

    But this question arises again and again. Are ghosts for real?

    

    I have a few experiences of my own, which I’ll be posting soon. We have so many videos on YouTube and thousands of pictures claiming to be real ghosts floating all around the internet. This just means that we are more interested in the darker side. What is most scary is also the most interesting. There don’t seem to be any photo claiming to be real picture of God.

    

    But then again science ruins the fun calling them fake. While we try to communicate with ghosts using Ouija Board, science calls it Ideo-motor effect.

    Vampires are impossible because our own existence implies their inexistence. If there was a first vampire (namely Count Dracula) he would feed on some and turn them to vampires and they in turn create some more. Some mathematician got bored and did the math and declared that the whole world would be vampireville  in a couple of months. So that myth is busted.

    

    Same goes to werewolves. Busted!

    Witch which (homophone alert) actually meant wise women, were women doing scientific experiments. They were called witches and were hunted down by the religious people who considered it black magic (or a threat to their religion).

    

    Frankenstein is not actually a monster. Frankenstein’s monster is the monster. Frankenstein is actually the name of the doctor who unites or stitches together body parts from three dead bodies and gives it life (in a novel, don’t worry). The author probably pondered over how to breath life into a dead body and then realized it was impossible, so she just wrote that the method can’t be explained as other people may try to redo the filthy process of giving life. Smart move Mary Shelly, smart move! So the whole exclamation “IT’S ALIVE!!” is a big BS. Dumbledore so wisely said “no magic can bring back the dead”.

    

    ‘Bring back the dead’ topic is incomplete without mentioning zombies. Zombies are the benchmark for horror these days. The girl runs wildly, she slips and falls, while the boy next door she had a crush on, comes crashing and ‘eats her up’, literally. And so starts every zombie movie.

  

    Zombies, with the memory of a gold fish, agility of a panda and IQ of a coffee machine, are the scariest thing to walk/crawl/moan on the earth, though they are dead as a dodo. They are the most frequent themes in horror be it games, books, movies or TV series. Shooting people in a game is age restricted but shooting zombies is perfectly cool. It’s like a training the government is giving us. Some people in the west are convinced that a zombie apocalypse is so dangerously imminent that they have designed their houses in an anti-zombie fashion with all the long lasting food supplies and weapons.

    

    We can’t blame them. When you see such movies, the cause of the necromorph (virus, military research, infection or simply a spell book) are so credible that we wonder what we’ll be doing if such a day comes around. Well, I’ll be doing the oldest trick known to mankind. Dress up like them and hope they don’t see through the make up, just like our western buddies on Halloween.

    Happy Halloween Friends. J

(Comment on how you’ll survive a zombie apocalypse, while I go shoot some zombies in Left4Dead game)

Hopelessly in Love

I think of you every morning,

Each and every day that I start;

Caring not for what this might bring,

Hopelessly in love, I gave you my heart;

Through your fingers, exquisite yet careless,

My love struck heart, it slipped, it fell;

It broke, shattered into pieces so formless,

Count of which I couldn't tell;

So I picked up every piece, every bit,

Consequences of my lovely affair;

Perhaps I should've pasted a note on it,

Clearly saying 'handle with care';

Sewed it, glued it, all the pieces intricately tiled,

I placed it, back upon your palm;

You let it go like an unsure child,

No guilt whatsoever, no regret, no qualm;

Being clumsy, this risk you're not ready to take,

But I so wish you would try;

You’re afraid of where this might take,

You’ve been hurt before, but so have I;

I hope someday you'll love me,

I hope someday you'll care;

But if and when that day does come,

I hope I'm not broken beyond repair;

                                                        -GBK

/*

Disclaimer-

I've never really written a poem before(except that one time in primary school), so mercy :)..

and for any feedback you give, merci merci merci :).. (well that was poetic)

*/

Friendship Equation

           Admit it. We all hated algebra (at some point in life, if not perpetually). With all the (+)s and (–)s and to make it worse there are stupid jokes about how we try to find the Xs and Ys. Dude, she’s “X” for a reason, “Y” would you want to find her. Anyway, if Math has so many EXs he’s got serious stability issues (or he’s super playboy).

            I was in the 6th when I first heard the word ‘Algebra’.  A very weird sounding word indeed. The only other word that sounds and means similar that I found is ‘Avada Kedavra’. When my Math teacher dictated us a problem he always began with ‘Solve’ with such an accent that it sounded to me like ‘Saavu’ which in our native tamil language means ‘Die’.  Eerie resemblance, I know.

            Then came the most basic notion to be remembered forever. The sign concept (which was tougher than learning sign language) which tells us what the sign of the answer should be when the numbers are of different signs. There were many shortcuts explained to us, each of which found their own shortcuts from left ear to right ear without going through the brain. Then my dad taught me how to use a line with zero in the middle and positive and negative numbers at either side, which helped a lot in understanding how to add and subtract the numbers. The multiplying and dividing have the same rule, which I used to make my own equation (yes, at that age). Applauses later folks ;)

            It goes like this. You are walking down the street and you bump into a friend. He’s with a friend and introduces him to you. Now who is this guy to you? A friend? Well, thinking about it, yes. And that’s what the friendship equation tells us.

            We will take positive sign as a friend because they induce positive feelings in us. So the negative sign must be enemy (how smart). And the rest is self explanatory.

                           (+) *(+)=(+)
      Friend of our Friend is our Friend

                           (+) *(-)=(-)

      Friend of our Enemy is our Enemy

                           (-) *(+)=(-)

      Enemy of our Friend is our Enemy

                           (-) *(-)=(+)

       Enemy of our Enemy is our Friend

   Who says algebra can’t be used in our practical life :)

Child's Play (Part II)

(The two babies Bob and Alan and their dog Jamie are having a conversation about the most complex subject know to mankind- Love)

(-continues after Part I-)

BOB(breathes out)- okay. So she tells she likes this Bonding guy. And I was shocked because I know her for so long. I practically have dibs on her, don’t I?

ALAN-yeah!

JAMIE-whoa wait! What’s that? Dibs ? dubs? Tubs?

ALAN- Dibs. It means you declare it yours. For example when I call dibs on the sandwich you can’t have it Jamie, which you often do.

JAMIE- Oh! And how to do call dibs on something?

ALAN- by saying “dibs” of course.

JAMIE- Oh that’s funny! Just saying dibs won’t make it known to the whole world, now would it?

ALAN- How can we do it then?

JAMIE- Its simple! Do you know how we dogs call dibs on something?

ALAN- no

JAMIE- By peeing on it! That way any other dogs coming near that thing will know that the object is taken.

BOB- Eeew!

ALAN- Hahaha. Now imagine Bob peeing on Jasmine to make her his. Now that would be a sight. It would be such an easy world. You want something? PEE ON IT!

(Alan & Jamie fall down laughing again)

BOB- Not funny dude, not funny.

ALAN(sniffing)- Sorry Bob. Couldn’t help it. Imagine a world like that where we pee to own something. And since we, babies, always have so much in stock we could practically own everything we lay eye on.

(Jamie continues laughing)

ALAN- And dogs too. Dogs pee all the time. Hey Jamie, is that how you had that Lily? That street dog from the next block.

(Jamie goes silent all of a sudden)

BOB- What happened?

JAMIE- Nothing! Just don’t talk about her. She’s a bitch.

ALAN- Of course she’s a bitch.

JAMIE- You knew?

ALAN- Duh? Female dog is called bitch. Wait! She’s a bitch right? You didn’t go after her thinking she’s a pony or something, right?

BOB- I don’t think that’s was Jamie means. You need to grow up Alan.

ALAN- Come on don’t give the same crap. You are 2 months older than me and Jamie is just a year older.

JAMIE- You are one and I’m two. I’m twice your age buddy.

ALAN- Still you are just a year older.

JAMIE- Alright, I was being generous on you buddy. Not any more. Do you know what a “dog year” is?

ALAN- What is that?

JAMIE- Dogs mature way more quickly than you humans do. So physically I’m grown like a 24 year old human. In that case I’m as old as your mom. But I still call her mom.

ALAN- Oh god! You’re really that old?

JAMIE- Yup. But don’t worry I have a child’s heart. (Jamie sticks out his tongue and makes that face again)

ALAN-oh..kay! So what happened to that Lily? Your bitch.

JAMIE- I don’t want to talk about it buddy.

BOB- Oh c’mon Jimmy!

JAMIE- I-am-not  Jim…! Fine. I’ll tell you. You know how I loved her. I went out just to meet her. I snuck lots of Pedigree snack out of the house to give her. I thought she’s the one. Although dogs are not practically monogamous, I still believed she’s the one for me. And then, when I went out today to meet her. (He stops)

BOB- What happened?

JAMIE- She was with that hound from that rich house down the lane. You won’t believe what they were doing. They were… they were… (Stops again)

(Bob shuts Alan’s ears considerately, who pulls away protesting)

BOB- Let me guess… Doggy style?

JAMIE- They were sniffing each other! Can you believe that?

BOB- That’s it? How’s that bad?

JAMIE- Of course you won’t understand it. It’s a dog thing. Sniffing is a sign of deep affection. If she lets you sniff her, without protest, she trusts you. She told me I’m her only ‘sniffer’. That was so special for me. But now she let that son-of-a-bitch sniff her. She didn’t even have a name for god’s sake! I named her Lily.

ALAN- Whoa, wait a sec. You called him a son-of-a-

JAMIE-No don’t say it

ALAN-Why?

JAMIE-It’s offensive to call someone that, okay?

ALAN- Really? How is that offensive? He's a dog.

JAMIE- You do realize that you are asking a sad dog the details of English, right?

BOB- Poor Jamie..

JAMIE- At last my real name. Phew!! Thanks anyway.

BOB- I can understand dude. Just like you lost your love, I lost mine. Heart breaks at such young age. James, that son-of-a-woman!

JAMIE- Uh... You can’t just say... never mind. Hey you never completed your story with jasmine. What happened after she declared her relationship with Bones Jond.

BOB-James Bond. Uh... nothing happened after that.

JAMIE- Oh no, you don’t get away like that. I smell something funny.

ALAN-yeah I smell something funny too. What happened?

BOB- Well… I didn’t know how to convince her… so in a desperate attempt at impressing, I kissed her.

ALAN- Whoa!!

JAMIE- I never understood kissing. I mean, it tastes better when u lick.

BOB- I wish I didn’t do that. Because, she started crying for her mom. I got so scared 

my stomach lurched.

ALAN- Hahaha! You got yourself in a deep shit.

BOB- Yeah literally...

ALAN- What?

BOB- Like I said... my stomach lurched... and I...

JAMIE (Starts laughing)- you pooped in your diapers!!

(Alan falls down laughing, yet again)

JAMIE- I knew I smelled something funny. Never try to deceive a dog. We don’t have 

to poke our nose in someone’s personal matters but we can still smell when things go shitty. 

ALAN- So you haven’t changed your diaper yet?

BOB- No, it’s embarrassing. I’ll signal mom when I get home.

ALAN-So you are basically pulling off your heroic feat of ‘sit on shit’.

JAMIE-Oh Bob please tell me you said ‘oh crap!’

(Alan and Jamie laugh again)

BOB- Shut up Jam!

JAMIE (snorting) - I don’t mind, call me anything. You’ve been through a lot, poor boy.

ALAN- So two break-ups in a single day. I guess I’m the only one with my pumping organ intact, and by that I meant the heart.

BOB- Don’t ever fall in love dude.

JAMIE-I second that!

ALAN- Come on guys, stop whining! Okay let’s make a pact. We will never fall for the woman-kind.

JAMIE- and bitch-kind. Really, those are the worst kind.

BOB- Hmm hmm. Love isn’t a child’s play. We will always stay bachelors!

JAMIE(shouts)- To Bachelorhood!

ALAN(shouts)- yeah Childhood!

BOB(thinks of something to rhyme)- Robinhood!!

Just then their moms come in with another lady. There’s a baby sitting on her hip.

MOM- and there’s my kid Alan playing with Bob. Gosh, they make so much noise together. And that’s Jamie, our dog.

LADY- you allow your dog near your kid? I would never.

MOM- yeah there’s no problem. In fact I’ve read that such kids have lesser allergies when they grow up. So when are you moving in your stuffs in that apartment next door? 

(They move out talking.)

BOB (whispers) - Dude you got a girl moving in next door?

ALAN- I don’t know! Is that a girl?

JAMIE- From that pony tail of the baby, I would say Yes!

Bob & Alan (at once) - DIBS!!

JAMIE- Ask her if her dog is a girl.

(The baby girl turns around to look at the two babies discussing something under their breaths. She shakes her head, smiles mischievously and whispers “Boys”.)

(-The End-)

Child's Play (Part I)

Hi, this is my attempt at writing a play, as the name suggests. But opposed to what the name suggests, this may not be for children (and weak hearted  :P ). So, please read with discretion.

Here it goes..

(Jamie enters the house through the gap in the back door and walks through the hallway)

JAMIE (thinking)- Sheesh! I shouldn’t go out anymore, what was I thinking? I should be faithful to my family hereafter. Roaming outside naked in the blazing sun is no good idea, and that too for her?

(Taking in air) Mmmm, Mom is making chicken soup in the kitchen. It needs a little more pepper to make it perfect but how can I tell her?

(walks further)Whatever, I’m just upset. I should go talk to Alan; he’s the only one in the house whom I can talk to. He’s in his room, I can hear him playing. He makes me laugh and my tail wags automatically.

(By the way Jamie is a dog, sorry for the delay in introduction. He can talk to Alan, the baby, because babies have extraordinarily heightened senses, theoretically)

JAMIE- Hi Alan how’s the day? What are you doing lying on your back with your legs up, trying yoga?

ALAN- Hi Jamie, I’m trying to figure out what makes this plastic nipple so sweet. It never stops being sweet.

JAMIE- It’s honey. Its viscosity makes it last longer. And it’s called pacifier not nipple.

ALAN- Oh! Is that what all the people are running after?

JAMIE- What, the nipple?

ALAN- No, the honey thing.

JAMIE- Oh that! No Alan its money they’re running after.

ALAN- But I’ve heard dad saying it many times.

JAMIE- Yeah he calls mom, honey, got it?

ALAN- No I don’t get it.

JAMIE- You need to grow up Alan.

ALAN- I am grown up! Guess what, I took my first step. A small step for a baby, a Giant Leap for… uh… babykind.

JAMIE- Congrats! I don’t know about giant leap but at least you can walk yourself to the toilet.

ALAN- Why should I go there when I have a toilet with me.

JAMIE- You mean your diaper? Not funny. And by the way you’re too slow. You know I started running when I was a month old & some animals start walking right after birth.

ALAN- Really?

JAMIE- Yeah! Hey dogs don’t lie.

ALAN (mutters to himself)- Maybe because you can’t talk at all and I’m just imagining this conversation.

JAMIE- I heard that! We dogs are smarter than we seem to be. We just don’t show it okay? We like being modest and by the time you’re grown up you’ll forget that we used to talk. You’ll even forget the baby language. That’s a serious problem with human’s memory.

ALAN- Again, I’m imagining things.

JAMIE- No you’re not. Tell you what, I’ve lived in this house ever since your parents got married and I know things about this house you can’t even imagine.

ALAN- Like what?

JAMIE- Like the monster hidden in your cupboard.

ALAN- OH MY GOD! (Starts crying)

JAMIE- Hey, shhh! Stop crying dude I’m just joking. Shhhh! Come on stop being a baby. Mom will think I bit you. (Runs and sits in a corner).

(Mom enters and along with the neighbor Mrs. Woods with her child Bob. Mom calms down Alan while Bob is laughing at him)

MOM- Oh, What happened to my cuddly wuddly baby? Did Jamie scare my darling? (Jamie makes the irresistible dog’s face) see he’s a good doggy honey. Hey look your friend Bob just came (points to Bob who’s grinning at him). We’ll leave Bob with you, both of you can play transformers toys.

Mrs. Wood (sitting Bob next to Alan) – Here Alan, your friend is here. Now be goody goody boys and play nice. And Bob, don’t worry chweety, mommy’ll be just outside talking walking with aunty. Play with these teeny weeny toys little googu geegie babies.

(Mom and Mrs. Wood leave the room, mom saying  “How do you talk so sweet? Teach me” and Mrs. Wood saying “It comes with experience dear”. Jamie starts laughing)

JAMIE- Ha ha ha. I love how they try to talk like you kids. Not even close.

BOB- I know. Its embarrassing. don’t mention it Jimmy.

JAMIE- Jamie.

BOB- Whatever, it all sounds the same to me.

JAMIE- You need to grow up.

BOB- I am grown up. I have a….had a…. never mind.

JAMIE- What?… and what’s that smell.

ALAN- hehe, you smell like a girl.

BOB- Look who’s talking of being a girl. You cry like a baby.

ALAN- At least I don’t smell like a flower.

BOB- it’s the baby powder okay?

ALAN- who’s the baby now, girlie? Ha ha let me guess, jasmine flavor?

BOB- Stop it.

ALAN- Hey isn’t that you’re girl friend’s name? Jasmine! You’re carrying Jasmine on your skin, literally? Now that’s a commitment.

BOB- I said stop it. Its over!

ALAN- Why what the matter Bob? Did she tell you she doesn’t hook up with minors? Ha ha ha. So that’s what all the ‘Have a.. uh.. Had a..uh’ was all about.

JAMIE- You won’t understand, Alan, leave it. You’re too young.

ALAN- Oh come on, he’s just 2 months older than me. And since when did you start supporting him?

BOB- He’s right Jimmy. He should know. He’s not a baby anymore.  At least he won’t commit the same mistake like me, if I warned him.

JAMIE- Okay then go on.

BOB-So you know how I used to follow her whenever she came to our home with her mom

ALAN- Yeah

BOB- She used to speak so sweet with me. She even said once “Bob you’re so sweet, I like you” and many such……. statements.

JAMIE- I know where it’s going

BOB- So I built up courage to ask her out.

JAMIE-typical

BOB- So when I got to her place with my mom, this morning right before I came here, naturally mom left me in her room to play.

JAMIE- Ooh it’s getting interesting

BOB- Will you stop interrupting me?

JAMIE- Okie dokie

BOB- Uh so where was I? ya. She was there cute as always, in just her diapers and I started to feel…

JAMIE- Whoa whoa wait a sec. so technically you saw her topless?

BOB- What?

JAMIE- Never mind!

ALAN- You got a dirty mouth, you know that right?

JAMIE- No way! Fact is that a dog’s mouth has lesser germs than an average man’s mouth.

BOB- GUYS, I’m trying to narrate my tragedy. Stop your mix-up of morality and science.

ALAN- Sorry.

BOB- Okay! So there she was and I didn’t want to delay it anymore. So I just blurted out the 3 words quickly.

JAMIE- Mess up.

BOB- What?

JAMIE- She’ll never like you if you don’t have the confidence. For god’s sake you should be more romantic, man. Then what happened?

BOB- She tried to convince me that this isn’t the age. She said “Bob of course I like you but not that way”. I tried to explain how I felt, but she just said “Its just infatuation, your teenage plays tricks with your mind”

ALAN- Teenage?

BOB- Duh! I’m fourTEEN months old. That makes me a teenager.

JAMIE-hehe Yeah sure!

ALAN- Hmm. I never thought of it that way. So what happened?

BOB- What was to happen? I kept pressing her. At last she said I’m not cute enough.

ALAN- Oh my god! She really said that?

BOB(controlling his tears)- Yeah! She said she wants someone as cute as Edward. Who the hell is Edward?

ALAN- Oh that’s the problem. It’s funny she wants a fictional character. Edward is a vampire boyfriend from the “Twilight” movie series. He’s freaking handsome and does everything for his girlfriend. No wonder girls from all over the world dream of him and have unrealistic expectations.

BOB-Is that it? A vampire? Why would she want a filthy little blood sucker? Why not.. why not a little milk sucker?

(Alan & Jamie fall down laughing)

JAMIE- See, according to rural myths a mother’s blood is converted into milk. In that way you are a vampire too. Cheers!

BOB- Not funny jimmy.

JAMIE- Jamie! Never mind. Then what happened? Tell her there’s no Edward in real life.

BOB- That’s the problem. I kept asking her. In the end she admitted that there’s someone else. Someone called James. Can you believe it? She says the bond between them is special.

ALAN- Bond with James. James Bond! Interesting.

BOB- Not interesting dude. I mean I know her for ages.

JAMIE- Really? Ages?

BOB- Yeah ages. Since I was a baby. Since before teenage!

JAMIE- I must say your story is really funny buddy. Love of ages, older than sages. Hahaha.

BOB- Bite me!

JAMIE- You want me to?

ALAN- No Jamie he’s asking you to get lost.

JAMIE- I was lost until a cute couple found me ages ago. See, now this is ages of love.

ALAN- Be quite Jamie. Go on Bob.

(-To be continued-)