Child's Play (Part I)

Hi, this is my attempt at writing a play, as the name suggests. But opposed to what the name suggests, this may not be for children (and weak hearted  :P ). So, please read with discretion.

Here it goes..

(Jamie enters the house through the gap in the back door and walks through the hallway)

JAMIE (thinking)- Sheesh! I shouldn’t go out anymore, what was I thinking? I should be faithful to my family hereafter. Roaming outside naked in the blazing sun is no good idea, and that too for her?

(Taking in air) Mmmm, Mom is making chicken soup in the kitchen. It needs a little more pepper to make it perfect but how can I tell her?

(walks further)Whatever, I’m just upset. I should go talk to Alan; he’s the only one in the house whom I can talk to. He’s in his room, I can hear him playing. He makes me laugh and my tail wags automatically.

(By the way Jamie is a dog, sorry for the delay in introduction. He can talk to Alan, the baby, because babies have extraordinarily heightened senses, theoretically)

JAMIE- Hi Alan how’s the day? What are you doing lying on your back with your legs up, trying yoga?

ALAN- Hi Jamie, I’m trying to figure out what makes this plastic nipple so sweet. It never stops being sweet.

JAMIE- It’s honey. Its viscosity makes it last longer. And it’s called pacifier not nipple.

ALAN- Oh! Is that what all the people are running after?

JAMIE- What, the nipple?

ALAN- No, the honey thing.

JAMIE- Oh that! No Alan its money they’re running after.

ALAN- But I’ve heard dad saying it many times.

JAMIE- Yeah he calls mom, honey, got it?

ALAN- No I don’t get it.

JAMIE- You need to grow up Alan.

ALAN- I am grown up! Guess what, I took my first step. A small step for a baby, a Giant Leap for… uh… babykind.

JAMIE- Congrats! I don’t know about giant leap but at least you can walk yourself to the toilet.

ALAN- Why should I go there when I have a toilet with me.

JAMIE- You mean your diaper? Not funny. And by the way you’re too slow. You know I started running when I was a month old & some animals start walking right after birth.

ALAN- Really?

JAMIE- Yeah! Hey dogs don’t lie.

ALAN (mutters to himself)- Maybe because you can’t talk at all and I’m just imagining this conversation.

JAMIE- I heard that! We dogs are smarter than we seem to be. We just don’t show it okay? We like being modest and by the time you’re grown up you’ll forget that we used to talk. You’ll even forget the baby language. That’s a serious problem with human’s memory.

ALAN- Again, I’m imagining things.

JAMIE- No you’re not. Tell you what, I’ve lived in this house ever since your parents got married and I know things about this house you can’t even imagine.

ALAN- Like what?

JAMIE- Like the monster hidden in your cupboard.

ALAN- OH MY GOD! (Starts crying)

JAMIE- Hey, shhh! Stop crying dude I’m just joking. Shhhh! Come on stop being a baby. Mom will think I bit you. (Runs and sits in a corner).

(Mom enters and along with the neighbor Mrs. Woods with her child Bob. Mom calms down Alan while Bob is laughing at him)

MOM- Oh, What happened to my cuddly wuddly baby? Did Jamie scare my darling? (Jamie makes the irresistible dog’s face) see he’s a good doggy honey. Hey look your friend Bob just came (points to Bob who’s grinning at him). We’ll leave Bob with you, both of you can play transformers toys.

Mrs. Wood (sitting Bob next to Alan) – Here Alan, your friend is here. Now be goody goody boys and play nice. And Bob, don’t worry chweety, mommy’ll be just outside talking walking with aunty. Play with these teeny weeny toys little googu geegie babies.

(Mom and Mrs. Wood leave the room, mom saying  “How do you talk so sweet? Teach me” and Mrs. Wood saying “It comes with experience dear”. Jamie starts laughing)

JAMIE- Ha ha ha. I love how they try to talk like you kids. Not even close.

BOB- I know. Its embarrassing. don’t mention it Jimmy.

JAMIE- Jamie.

BOB- Whatever, it all sounds the same to me.

JAMIE- You need to grow up.

BOB- I am grown up. I have a….had a…. never mind.

JAMIE- What?… and what’s that smell.

ALAN- hehe, you smell like a girl.

BOB- Look who’s talking of being a girl. You cry like a baby.

ALAN- At least I don’t smell like a flower.

BOB- it’s the baby powder okay?

ALAN- who’s the baby now, girlie? Ha ha let me guess, jasmine flavor?

BOB- Stop it.

ALAN- Hey isn’t that you’re girl friend’s name? Jasmine! You’re carrying Jasmine on your skin, literally? Now that’s a commitment.

BOB- I said stop it. Its over!

ALAN- Why what the matter Bob? Did she tell you she doesn’t hook up with minors? Ha ha ha. So that’s what all the ‘Have a.. uh.. Had a..uh’ was all about.

JAMIE- You won’t understand, Alan, leave it. You’re too young.

ALAN- Oh come on, he’s just 2 months older than me. And since when did you start supporting him?

BOB- He’s right Jimmy. He should know. He’s not a baby anymore.  At least he won’t commit the same mistake like me, if I warned him.

JAMIE- Okay then go on.

BOB-So you know how I used to follow her whenever she came to our home with her mom

ALAN- Yeah

BOB- She used to speak so sweet with me. She even said once “Bob you’re so sweet, I like you” and many such……. statements.

JAMIE- I know where it’s going

BOB- So I built up courage to ask her out.

JAMIE-typical

BOB- So when I got to her place with my mom, this morning right before I came here, naturally mom left me in her room to play.

JAMIE- Ooh it’s getting interesting

BOB- Will you stop interrupting me?

JAMIE- Okie dokie

BOB- Uh so where was I? ya. She was there cute as always, in just her diapers and I started to feel…

JAMIE- Whoa whoa wait a sec. so technically you saw her topless?

BOB- What?

JAMIE- Never mind!

ALAN- You got a dirty mouth, you know that right?

JAMIE- No way! Fact is that a dog’s mouth has lesser germs than an average man’s mouth.

BOB- GUYS, I’m trying to narrate my tragedy. Stop your mix-up of morality and science.

ALAN- Sorry.

BOB- Okay! So there she was and I didn’t want to delay it anymore. So I just blurted out the 3 words quickly.

JAMIE- Mess up.

BOB- What?

JAMIE- She’ll never like you if you don’t have the confidence. For god’s sake you should be more romantic, man. Then what happened?

BOB- She tried to convince me that this isn’t the age. She said “Bob of course I like you but not that way”. I tried to explain how I felt, but she just said “Its just infatuation, your teenage plays tricks with your mind”

ALAN- Teenage?

BOB- Duh! I’m fourTEEN months old. That makes me a teenager.

JAMIE-hehe Yeah sure!

ALAN- Hmm. I never thought of it that way. So what happened?

BOB- What was to happen? I kept pressing her. At last she said I’m not cute enough.

ALAN- Oh my god! She really said that?

BOB(controlling his tears)- Yeah! She said she wants someone as cute as Edward. Who the hell is Edward?

ALAN- Oh that’s the problem. It’s funny she wants a fictional character. Edward is a vampire boyfriend from the “Twilight” movie series. He’s freaking handsome and does everything for his girlfriend. No wonder girls from all over the world dream of him and have unrealistic expectations.

BOB-Is that it? A vampire? Why would she want a filthy little blood sucker? Why not.. why not a little milk sucker?

(Alan & Jamie fall down laughing)

JAMIE- See, according to rural myths a mother’s blood is converted into milk. In that way you are a vampire too. Cheers!

BOB- Not funny jimmy.

JAMIE- Jamie! Never mind. Then what happened? Tell her there’s no Edward in real life.

BOB- That’s the problem. I kept asking her. In the end she admitted that there’s someone else. Someone called James. Can you believe it? She says the bond between them is special.

ALAN- Bond with James. James Bond! Interesting.

BOB- Not interesting dude. I mean I know her for ages.

JAMIE- Really? Ages?

BOB- Yeah ages. Since I was a baby. Since before teenage!

JAMIE- I must say your story is really funny buddy. Love of ages, older than sages. Hahaha.

BOB- Bite me!

JAMIE- You want me to?

ALAN- No Jamie he’s asking you to get lost.

JAMIE- I was lost until a cute couple found me ages ago. See, now this is ages of love.

ALAN- Be quite Jamie. Go on Bob.

(-To be continued-)