Man of Steel- Goofs and my Tweaks

Some of the funny mistakes I noticed (maybe I’m wrong) in Man of Steel and how I thought it could’ve been:

   

      1.      It is a wide spread notion that human body replaces all the cells in a 7 years span, which means after 7 years our body won’t have the cells that we have now. This may be false info since some cells like brain cells (neurons) cannot be replaced. But we do know that most cells like the hair, skin and even blood and bones do die and get replaced. Based on that, if you store information in a person’s cells how long will it last (even for a kryptonian).

Tweak: Better idea could’ve been storing the data it in the brain that could later be ‘recalled’ (something like in Transformers 2)

    

      2.      When Jor-El (Superman’s dad) dives in the lake and reaches a storage area (or whatever) to take this ‘Codex’ which is very very important in carrying on Kryptonian generations, guess what, no security is there. “Welcome sir, have a seat. Would you like to listen to music while you steal that thing?”

Tweak: Add more robotic-guns securing the area. Bang-bang-bangity-bang!

      3.      A space ship is found inside artic, frozen. The experts claim that the ice around the ship is thousands of years old. Well it could be that the Kryptonians sent it long long back but here’s the thing. This ship also contains Jor-El’s consciousness. (This part is impressive. It makes more sense to use “consciousness” than the recorded videos through which old movies depicted the father). Maybe the “S” key had the consciousness? But he says he designed the ship. I didn’t get that part. Maybe I missed something.

Tweak: Proper explanation, like the ship went into a magnetic storm got stuck here in the wrong time (like in Planet of Apes)

    4.      After the speech from his dad (or rather his consciousness), Clark is given the superman suit. A Kryptonian suit makes more sense than that man-made suit in old movies that unbelievably could withstand everything that Sups went through. Hey, even spiderman had to throw away his torn suit after each movie. Anyway when Clark gets the suit, he comes out wearing it and, wait a second! He’s clean shaved and with a neat haircut. Wasn’t he looking like Tarzan when he went in?

Tweak: Send Clark inside that glass chamber where the suit is and let the machinery do the magic. Add in some smoke so we can’t see him while he’s getting dressed and tadaa.. when he comes out he’s superman!

    5.      Superman is told that the “World engine” will reduce his powers if he went near them and still, he seems to have no problem even when he’s right below it exposed to the drilling beam. How come? What’s giving him power? Will-power is not enough here guys!

Tweak: Here’s how I would’ve filmed it. Superman comes flying to destroy the “world engine” and when he comes directly below it, to his surprise he is blown into the ground. He has lost all his power because this machine is making the place Krypton-ish (their people don’t have power in Krypton so superman too can’t have power here). The drilling beam keeps hitting him sending him deeper and deeper into the earth while the powerless Superman can only hope for a wonder. He feels like a paper being blown away to the wind’s whim. Then he starts feeling something hot behind. He turns with great effort even when the beam is sending him deeper. He surmises that he must be approaching the core of the earth. He comes face-to-face with the thick hot magma waiting to swallow him. He uses all his power left trying to fly away from the hot burning rays of the core. He finds that he’s able to fly a little now. How? I was totally powerless a moment back. That’s when he realises it’s the core. The core is a part of sun still burning, and sunlight is what gives me power. He soaks himself in that burning heat (luke warm for him) and when he feels he’s fully charged he flies straight up, at lightning speed. He plunges right into the world machine, smashing it, blowing it into smithereens.

    6.       I was furious when a lady police says about superman that “He’s kinda hot”. What? How dare she call him ‘kinda’ hot? Woman, He’s Superman!

Tweak: She should’ve said “Superman is super-hot”

    7.      Fun Fact: English is a wide spread language of course, but did you know that it was spoken in Krypton too?

Tweak: Give the Kryptonians a very complex language and so it will be very easy for them to grasp English within minutes. They were such intellectually superior race so they must’ve had a really complex language as well.

Any other goofs you noticed? Place that in the comments section :)

Man of Steel

Look up in the sky!

It’s a bird!

It’s a plane!

No, it’s Superman!

No it’s actually a little bit of everything flying and crashing around. Stop looking at the sky and run for your life goddammit, before something falls on you!

And that’s how the movie goes. I believe everyone would’ve seen the movie by now as this was after all one of the most anticipated movies of the year. There was a time not too long ago when I had my FB profile pic as myself photoshopped like Superman (with the cape, hair style and all). I’m that a big fan of Sups. Who isn’t? He’s like this omnipotent god of superheroes. I think he must be the first superhero to be ever created. Writers back then didn’t think of what powers to give him so they first made him a super strong man and then as the stories went on they added super powers to him to suite the story. I’ve even read a comic book where he says he has photographic memory and re-assembles a broken super-computer from memory. And Sheldon Cooper boasts about having eidetic memory, pfft. Is there anything you can’t do Superman?

But to be frank I was a little disappointed with the movie. Maybe our expectations were too high. Why won’t they be since the director is Zack Snyder and the producer Christopher Nolan. The visuals are so awe inspiring in the classic Zack Snyder style that something had to be compromised and sadly it was the story that got the beating. Let’s see what the movie has.

Unlike any of the previous movies, this movie shows very good deal of the planet Krypton where our Sups hails from. The previous movies didn’t do that satisfactorily enough as they wanted to show, at the earliest, the red and blue tights flying around saving the city. That’s not right. The ghosts of your past won’t leave you alone, especially if your past is a shattered planet. Even the cartoon version dedicated a whole episode to show what happened in Krypton before the planet went up in smokes. So I very much liked that part of the movie.

These people wear fancy clothes that must take hours to put on (and it looks cool nevertheless). Our hero is born to a smart couple that knows the planet is about to implode. Nobody pays heed to the guy so he takes some last minute measures to save his race (some dare-devil stuffs) and launches Kal-El (superman’s name in that planet) into outer-space on a route to an unknown planet which they know has environment that can sustain life. This is a standard beginning as in every superman story (with some modifications of course).

What happens next is something the movie has shown very well. His body struggles to get used to the Earth’s strange environment, with the sun’s ‘yellow’ light giving him powers he can’t control. No matter how powerful he is, he still is an alien. And so his new parents try hard to keep that a secret. Because no matter what good you do, people will still be afraid of you. Not like the old movies where he just decides to use his powers to save people (and become famous). Why should he? He needs a normal life too and so he tries desperately to refrain from using his powers. But with great powers comes great responsibility right? I liked this new treatment to superman. Not a hero but a fallen angel.

It’s incredible how much superman-like the actor (Henry Cavill) looks. He must get that a lot in his home town. It’s not surprising that he was considered for Superman Returns. This is how superman should look- big and mature- not like the college student looking guy in Superman Returns. Superman doesn’t have the signature hair-style either (that little curl), which is stupid. Come on Clark, how do you expect to maintain a difference between Superman and Clark Kent? Humans are smart too you know!

Louis Lane does a great job. Instead of just pointing out that she won Pulitzer Prize, the movie brings out the journalist in her. ‘Morpheus’ is fat and weak. Russell Crowe plays a good father and the ‘consciousness’, though I found his sudden moves comical when he controlled the ship. The female Kryptonian’s speech about “Evolutionary advantage” is impressive and she fights well too. Strangely, that’s all I have to say about the characters.

Loved these lines:-

Clark-“I don’t know if I can trust them”

Cleric-“Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Trust comes after”

The movie looks real. The characters look real and not like supermodels. No more cartoon like bright dresses and the people of Krypton seem to have finally figured out that the underwear is something you wear inside your pants. I missed the old superman hair though.

Sigh, if only they had paid more attention to the story. They spent all their energy into the visual effects, and did a very good job too, but that’s not all a movie requires. No matter how earth shattering the movie was (literally shattering, they managed to thoroughly ground a whole city) the movie had little impression on me. It was fun watching but I didn’t feel anything after coming out of the movie. Movies should make an impact, right? But hey, that’s just my opinion.

Man of steel- a bit too hard.

Animal Perspective

Her name was Dusk. She was the oldest one, the matriarch. She had the responsibility of taking care of the herd, of 12 elephants. And these were tough times. Water was scarce. They had tried every known lake in the vicinity, but nothing. It’s particularly hard for elephants to live more than a day without water, that’s why they stay close to a water source always. After counselling with the others, Dusk decided to take them to a lake to the far south of the jungle.

After a whole night of odd journey towards the direction they had never ventured, they were all tired.

“Are we there yet? I’m bored.” exclaimed Ebony, a young one, jumping and trying to keep up with his mother.

“For the last time, Ebby!, we’ll reach there when we reach there. Go play with Pepper” Said his mother, Brunet.

“I don’t wanna! She’s mean”

“What did she do to you?”

“It’s just... She’s always going off about how I have to leave the heard when I’m grown, coz I’m a boy.” Ebby said with bulging eyes.

“Well that’s true honey. When you’re grown enough to take care of yourself, you have to go join boys of your age”

“I don’t wanna!!” proclaimed Ebony.

“Now now Ebby, think of all the girls you can meet”

“WHY? I already have you, mom!”

“Aww sweety, but that’s the rule. Guess what, we can communicate while being miles away. Through this special walkie-talkie we have.” She touched on his forehead, a special membrane that emits infrasound.

“Cool” shouted Ebony.

“And you’ll be free. Here you won’t have many girls of your age. Unless you like Pepper”, mother said winking at Ebby.

“Ewww.. gross!! I don’t like her.” managed Ebby.

“Haha. That’s what they always say when they’re young” laughed another elephant.

“Huh” declared Ebby, twisting his trunk upward and marching forward, “I’m leaving the group”

In front pepper was strolling with her mother. Seeing Ebony she called “Hey!! Ebbyyy!! Wanna play a game? It’s called ‘leave-the-herd’. Haha”

Now Ebby got furious and chased Pepper, “If I’m leaving I’m taking you away too”

“Hahaha. Gotta catch me first” ran Pepper.

They ran several meters ahead of the herd. All of a sudden, the forest just quit continuing. Pepper realised and stopped on her tracks. In front of them was an open valley of what seemed like big grass and after that were peculiarly shaped box like structures they had never seen. Pepper immediately ran back and hid behind Ebony. Ebby was himself shocked. Somehow it didn’t strike as nature’s work.

“What is this?”

Dusk knew immediately what this was. In front of them was a farm. In the end of it was a village, of humans. They had heard of the monsters from the south, which occasionally enter jungle to kill time, kill one of elephants instead, and take their tusks as a trophy.

The matriarch was confused. “This was the place where I drank water with my mother’s herd when I was young”. An elephant’s memory cannot be wrong.

“Can’t you see what happened? These vile creatures have cut the forest and grown their nests.” One of the elders whispered angrily.

“So it seems”, murmured the eldest. “The nests must’ve been built around that lake. If these humans are still living here, it means there must be water still there.”

After thinking about it one offered “We didn’t come this far to go back. I say we go forward, have water and leave as quickly as possible.”

“It’s still risky” objected another.

“What do you say sister” an elder one asked the matriarch.

“I agree it’s dangerous, but we need water” said Dusk thinking carefully, “It’s still dawning. We can go in and leave before the lazy creatures see us. Our soft padded foot will call no attention. Just keep out of obvious paths and enter from the side. Don’t directly cut through their nests.”

The herd started moving towards the village from the side, still covered by trees. When they had come closest, they entered the village via the road joining the cottages.

“These humans are smart ones. Look how they’ve made their own pathways”, marvelled one.

“Yes, they are smart indeed but they have no respect to other living creatures or even their own kinds.” said another elder, “They wage war against each other, destroying forests and other creatures, killing their own kinds just so they can spread their generations there. It makes no sense. Would you kill another herd and replace it with your children?”

“Yes, they are very powerful. With great power comes great arrogance. They forgot that they are animals too” said the eldest.

Then they stopped. In front of them was the vast lake, mightier than any of them had ever seen. Except Dusk who recognized it as soon as she saw it. “Isn’t it beautiful. I remember playing on its shore.” said she “Go douse in it”. She stood there as everyone ran into the water.

Just then she noticed something, through the corner of her eye, on the left shore. A group of women were washing clothes. They froze in terror as they saw the elephants. The matriarch noticed this but didn’t tell her herd which was happily soaking itself in the elixir, spewing water at themselves, eyes closed, enjoying every drop falling on them.

Realizing the harmlessness owing to their meagre number, matriarch entered water. She wasn’t of age to play. She drank, gave herself a quick shower and got out to resume guarding. Getting out, she gave a quick shot of glance towards the other side. It came as a shock when she couldn’t find the humans there.

“Alright everyone, play time’s over. It’s time to leave before humans see us”

All of them got out respectfully. They saw worry in the matriarch’s eyes. 

“You worry too much sister. Give yourself a break now and then. You are always on duty.” said an elder.

The matriarch faked a smile while walking, “I don’t see it as a duty sister. It’s my privilege.”

While going through the village they noticed that people have started coming out of their nests. A human shrieked. They were only accustomed to seeing elephants in what they called temples, bounded to chains, their masterful trunks reduced to picking up coins.

“Just act calm.” said the matriarch, “Don’t walk too fast. Better yet, don’t even look at them. Any sudden movement and they’ll attack. They have magic wands that can spell death.”

Little did the herd know that the humans were in terror. They saw these elephants, bigger than they had seen or heard of, and started running amuck. They started running away from where elephants were coming. Unfortunately that direction was where the elephants intended to go.

“Stop.” cried one elephant, “These monsters are trying to block our way into the forest. Look how they’re running towards the forest. I bet they’re setting traps.”

They stopped and observed around. More people were coming from all sides. The humans had a strange behaviour. Their fear made them run but their curiosity made them stay at a safe distance from where they could look at all these fancy animals.

“What do we do?” asked a worried elephant, “They got us surrounded.”

One of them gave a cry of shock. It was Brunet.

“Ebby!! Where’s Ebby?”

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Ebby had wandered away unaware of his mother’s absence. He turned around a house, saw a naked kid playing, and hid himself behind a banyan tree.

Ebby laughed “Hehe, look mom. That human has his trunk at wrong place.”

Hearing no response, Ebby turned around to check on her. She wasn’t there.

“Mom? MOOOooommmyyyyy...”

Hearing him the little kid ran away crying. The little human’s cry scared Ebby and he ran too.

There he saw a big box. A big box full of fruits. The box was on an elevated platform.  It had one side open which fell to the ground hinged, at a slanting angle making it feasible to climb.

“Banana!”

 Ebby flicked his lips, walked up the board into the box. As soon as he reached the fruits, he jumped on them. “Wow, So many fruits. I’ll take some for mom… and Pepper.” just then realization dawned on him, that they weren’t here.

“Oh my god!! Mom?” He turned to find his mom again, but saw nothing, nothing but a wall on his face.

The box had been closed on the side where it was open earlier, just a moment ago.

“Hey!! Let me out. I’m stuck here” shouted Ebby, then realised whose place this was, “Oh no, Humans. They trapped me. MOM!!”

The box started moving slowly making grunting sound as it went.

“No no no. They’re dragging me somewhere. They’re gonna eat me”  Ebby started crying. The box started moving faster making Ebby wobble and finally fall on his side. “How many humans are pulling me?”

-----------------------------------------------------

Not so far away Ebby’s mother Brunet was screaming for her baby. The villagers started moving farther thinking the elephant has lost its sanity.

“Where have you taken my baby, you filthy little maggots! Give him to me back” roared she. What the humans saw was a mad elephant trumpeting loudly.

Just then she heard a faint call of help. It was Ebby’s voice. She could identify it from anywhere. Turning immediately towards the sound she saw him. Just his head though.

Ebby was being carried away on a jeep.

“There he is!” screamed his mother to her companions. They lost control by the sight of one of their young ones being taken away. They all broke into a chase.

The matriarch, though being old, ran fast. She was also the smartest one. She signalled others using infrasound “Their manoeuvring objects are fast. We need to get them where they won’t expect us.”

---------------------------------------------------------------

The jeep drove really fast now having come to open lakeshore. It went right along the shoreline, turning with it. The driver turned back and saw about a dozen elephants still on hot pursuit.

The jeep had done turning around the lake and was now running on the shore opposite from the village. Just then two elephants emerged from the lake, right in front of the vehicle. Being great swimmers, Dusk and Brunet had swum across the lake while the jeep was running long way around the lake.

The jeep screeched to a halt as the driver stomped on the brake.

“Let me deal with him” hissed the mother and stepped in front of the vehicle. She twirled her trunk and threw dust in the air to warn the human.

“What is he is sitting in? It’s roaring at us” asked Brunet still facing the vehicle.

“I don’t know. It’s not certainly alive. Its eyes though glowing, are dead cold and not meeting our gaze. Humans are dark magicians remember? It’s probably stronger than us.” suggested matriarch.

The vehicle roared again acknowledging the gear shift and it came straight towards them.

“Move Brunet!”

But a mother distressed is a mother not to be messed. She was already on a head-on collision course with the jeep, running as fast as she could. Just a second before they could hit, the driver perhaps realised the slim chance of survival and turned the steering wheel towards the right with all the quickest human agility. Brunet hadn’t expected this. She had lowered her head, brandishing her tusks in front to meet the jeep as it collided. Her head wobbled awkwardly as nothing hit her. The jeep passed her merely scratching her skin. Just an instant before the jeep had fully passed she turned her head to hit the jeep. Her head didn’t touch anything, but her tusk went through the rear wheel, blowing it.

The jeep drove on a rock and almost flipped over. The human tried to compensate by turning quickly to left but, with the blown wheel, that only shifted the centre of gravity. Capturing this opportunity, matriarch moved quick and hit the jeep from its side.

That was all the jeep could take. It went somersaulting and flipping into the bush. It then hit a tree and stopped.

“Oh my god, Ebby!” screamed Brunet now on her feet and catching up with them. She broke the hind of the jeep open and took Ebby out.

“I’m okay mom” said a scared Ebby, “The fruits are ruined though. I fell on them”

The human was still in the vehicle thanks to the seat belt. Brunet pulled out and threw the driver to the ground. Her blood was boiling. She lifted her foot at the human.

“Stop it sister! What are you doing?” asked Dusk calmly.

“Making an example of him”, said Brunet.

“Really? But the humans are not here to see you do this”

“What do you mean?”

“What you are doing… is setting an example for your son.”

“Huh?”

“Yes sister. Think of what you are making him go through. He’ll grow up believing that killing people is fine. This isn’t us. To be more accurate, you are acting like a human.”

The last words stung her. She moved away and looked at Ebony who was visibly scared. She felt bad about her actions. Moving further away from the human she said “Let’s go. We have nothing to do here”

The matriarch gave an old wrinkled smile “I’m proud of you my child” as they went back. The others were waiting for them. They had found that there was a closer entry to the forest from the corner of the lake.

Pepper came running “Ebby! Are you alright? Where did you go?”

“I’m fine” said Ebby acting angry “you wanted me to go, so I left.”

“Sorry! I won’t tell you to go again” said pepper sadly.

“But… I’ll chase YOU away, hah, you silly little peppy!” shouted Ebony and started chasing Pepper.

As the herd vanished into the forest, the human got up slowly clutching the tree, made sure the elephants weren’t looking back, dusted the dirty clothes and limped towards the other direction.

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Flash News:

“Hi, this is Monica standing on the outskirts of the little village, Ambipur, where the elephant herd wreaked havoc.

‘Early morning today the huge squad of about 10 wild elephants just came barging in like they own the place.

‘There was terror among the villagers when the elephants started running around. Thankfully no life was lost. It’s a miracle that these elephants left without much loss. The only substantial loss would be a jeep that was smashed brutally by only a couple of them. Imagine how much damage they could’ve done had not the jeep drawn them out of the village.

‘Yes, the jeep drew the elephants out. Thanks to the local forest officer.”

(Scene cuts and reopens near the jeep, battered and tattered)

“This morning the officer got reports of elephants from villagers, who had come to wash their clothes here. When the officer reached, the elephants were inside the village already. The only possible way for them to go without accidently inflicting harm was from this side of the lake from where forest entry is easy. But the elephants didn’t know that, they wanted to go back the way they came from. So, one of their little ones was lured into this jeep using fruits and was trapped. They saw the jeep and chased it to this side.”

(The camera zooms out to show a woman in khaki standing beside the reporter)

“We have with us the fearless Jamunadevi, the forest officer of this area. Pleasure to meet you ma’am”

“The pleasure is mine”

“So tell me, why did you choose such a method?”

“Well, gun shots could’ve been used to scare them into running to the forest but then our ‘smart’ people had run to that side were the elephants intended to. So I did what you accused me for”, Said Jamunadevi laughing.

“I’m sure that’s not all that happened. This jeep looks like a wreck. Did the animals attack you?”

“Well, won’t you if someone took your kid away?”

“Uh…”

“Exactly, they are peaceful and just like us love their family but are feared because of their size. We are more danger to them than they are to us. I’m sure TV channels that don’t know the full story would use some amateur video and report animal menace. We call ourselves social animals but forget that we are not the only ones.”

“Very inspiring ma’am. You sure saved the day for the villagers and the herd. I’m sure they are thankful to you.”

“Who? the elephants? Haha. I better not come across that herd again. With the kind of memory they have, they would hate me forever.” 

Getting rid of the wife

A beautiful day had just begun.

He was jogging as usual. He felt that the day looked more beautiful than yesterday, but he couldn’t quite point a finger at what was different. Is it Sunday? I usually feel like this on Sundays. But it was not. He took a different route in the park in the middle, finished his fifth round when he saw the bench. Old memories came down flying. Memories of him and his girlfriend. This used to be their bench. The bench they’ll sit on whenever they snuck out of college.

Our bench! He thought and went to the place. It’s been so long.

But wait, someone was sitting on it. Could it be her? Indeed it was her. What is she doing here? She was looking straight, seemingly not at anything in particular. Her face was blank. As he stopped in front of her she lifted her head, looked at him and smiled.

“Hi”

“Hey”

“Beautiful day isn’t it?”

“Umm, I guess” It was awkward talking to her in this place, after so long. And what’s up with the day? She noticed it too?

She looked disappointed with his answer, “Remember this bench?”

“How can I forget?”

“Hmm, I didn’t know you’d come this way. You always go the other way. It’s been long time. Sit down”

He sat down and looked at her. It felt like he hadn’t seen her for ages. She kept looking straight.

“World has not changed much. The view is still the same.”

“Yeah, I feel nostalgic”

“But people changed”

“I guess it’s inevitable. We forget things. Like we forgot this bench.”

“Really?” now she turned to look at him, with those almond coloured eyes, “Even promises?”

“Huh?” he was still lost in those eyes. Oh, how much he loved those. He just realised he had somehow been missing them.

“Remember? on this very bench you promised you’ll love me forever”

“I didn’t forget that”, replied he, snapping out of her eyes, “I still love you.”

“Really?” She turned straight again and looked straight, at nothing.

“Of course. It’s just that life is different now. I have a busy job”

“So have I”

“And other stuffs too. But I’m still the same guy that I was three years ago. What do think has changed?”

“You got married!”, she blamed without turning.

He was shocked. The difference was apparent now. They were not the 'love jodi' they used to be three years ago.

“Hey, don’t blame me. So did you. You can get married and I can’t?”

She turned and looked directly at him as if that had offended her, “At least I haven’t changed after marriage. Even the busy job and married life hasn’t stopped me from loving you. You said you’d love me no matter what happened.”

“Come on. What makes you think I’ve stopped loving you? I still do. I just don’t get time to express it.”

“Huh! Tell that to someone stupid… like… like your wife, who was stupid enough to marry you” she said grumpily.

“Haha, I don’t think she’ll understand” he smirked.

“So mister family man, I never asked you, how’s married life treating you?”

“No problem, all is fine” he said flatly, and then gave it a little thought, “Except I feel this tremendous pressure from both the families. It’s like I have a huge mission to fulfil. I thought marriage was just between two people. It turns out to be a union of two big families, two communities in this case. I can’t give more attention to either of them or the other will get offended. I feel overwhelmed by this duty. And then there’s this demanding job. Don't even get me started with the wife.”

“Hey you don’t have to be so worked up about marriage, honey. What is marriage anyway? Just a socially acceptable way to be with a woman.”

Only you can put things so clearly and simply, he thought, “You think so? But what about all the relatives? I don’t even remember half of their names.”

“To hell with them all”

It took him some time to comprehend her words, except he didn’t want to go to hell ‘with’ them.

“I guess you’re right.”

Neither of them spoke for a long time. She was looking straight again. Is she trying to avoid eye contact? Then he broke the silence.

“So how’s your married life going?” He smiled at her, expectantly.

“Truth be told, not so good.” She looked at him. He could see a twinkle in her eyes, a film of moisture a tad more than usual. It was a sign of sorrow. She wasn’t lying, apparently.

This concerned him. He always thought she was happy with her life.

“Why? What happened?”

“Nothing much.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“That’s it. Nothing much has happened since our marriage. Hubby used to shower love during the first few months of the marriage. It was heaven. I almost forgot my college life you know", she looked at him to see if that makes him angry, "After a year in, all faded away. He comes from work, eats, sleeps. Sometimes not even a word before sleeping.”

“I’m so sorry dear”, He said “I thought you were happy”

“Hmm that’s okay. You were always against this marriage. You said you'll marry me after getting strong in the industry. My parents wanted to hurry, you know how they are. I couldn't say no to them. I’m sorry it ended up like this.”

“It’s forgotten. Don’t bring that up.”

“You always forget things. You got a wife and you even forgot your girlfriend”

“Hey don’t say that? I didn’t forget anything. Life’s like that. I’m trying to make sense of it. What do you want me to do?”

Her eyes brightened “I want you to be my boyfriend again”

“What?” he was taken aback. This wasn’t an expected twist.

She persuaded, “Come on. Neither of us is happy with our marriage. What’s the point of having such a thing? I’m craving for your love!” There was a hint of desperation in her voice.

“And how would that work out?”

“It’s easy. Talk more to me, your girlfriend, not your wife. I know the job is tiring to you. Talk to me on phone during the lunch break. I’m sure you have plenty of free time. Let’s do this for starters.”

“And?”

“A movie every Friday evening. Then we have wild party, privately, like old days. What say?”

“You make it sound so simple”

“It is simple. Just you and me, like the couple we used to be. God, I want to get away from those stupid saris that the marriage warrants me to wear. And you! don’t wear anything uncle-ish like you do now. You’re not an oldie. Wear something hip, like you used to. Take out your bike and nobody will know we’re married people.”

He tried to make sense of it, and then nodded feebly. Sounds like a good plan. Deep down, he knew he wanted it too.

“Sure” He smiled then after a long awkward silence he finally finished “I think you should go home now. It’s getting late. Go and do whatever it is you do, make breakfast for your husband or whatever. I have to finish two more rounds”

“Okie dokie, lover boy” she gave him a smirk and took off.

He sat there, thinking about what had just happened. It’s all my mistake, he thought, and I should correct it. He stood up breathed out and ran two more rounds. He then took the other direction, opposite to his usual exit. He had to buy things. While walking, he took out his phone and used a mobile app to book two tickets to some random movie. It didn’t matter what movie it was. He then went to the grocery store, bought some eggs, bread and milk for breakfast. The counter boy noticed him grinning widely and said “Great day isn’t it sir?”

“Beautiful day!” Why do I keep thinking of the day? Maybe it’s a sign.

He reached home, opened the door with his key and entered. It was still dark inside, the lights were still off and the atmosphere little dry and definitely warmer than outside. He kept the groceries in the kitchen. Just one final thing to do, he told himself, get rid of the wife. He came to the bed room. His wife was curled up in bed. Slept Again? He slowly slithered into bed, pulled over the bed sheet and hugged her from behind.

“Mmh. Got the things?” she murmured. He could almost hear her smile.

“Yup, and guess what? I met an old college friend in the park.”

“Oh really? What a surprise!”

“Hehe, yeah. It made me realise things haven’t changed a bit from back then.”

She chuckled without turning, “What are you? Old man? Talking of things back then”

“Hmm, I thought I was. All this work, marriage and stuffs, made me think I’m some old guy already. It’s time I dropped all the pretentious duties I had imagined for myself.”

“Oh! Don’t forget your responsibilities towards me as a husband, okay?”

“That’s what I want to talk about. I don’t want to be your husband anymore” tightening his grip on her.

She giggled again. “What are you, proposing divorce now?”

“Kind of like that. A different kind of proposal” He grabbed her and turned her to look into her eyes, his favourite almond coloured eyes. “Will you be my girlfriend again?”

There was a twinkle in her eyes. A thin film of moisture built up. This time it showed a different emotion. It was ecstasy.

“I was a fool. In the pursuit of happiness I forgot it was with me all along.” He said, feeling himself pulled into those eyes again.

“It’s not your fault. Your intentions were honest. You worked hard to make me happy but forgot that you are my happiness.”

They kept looking into each other’s eyes for a few seconds, and then burst into laughter.

“Look at us, talking like old couples already” she said still chuckling.

“Haha! Oh and I bought two tickets for a movie. It’s Friday, remember?”

“Great! What movie?”

“I don’t know!”

“Awesome!”

He slowly loosened his hands over her and got up saying “I better go get a shower; I’ll be late for work”

She pulled him back saying “There’s still time, you don’t work on Fridays anyway.” He fell back without much effort from her side. The bed has such gravity.

“And by the way, happy second anniversary! That’s what I was thinking of, sitting on the bench after my three rounds.”

“Oh!” he smacked his face.

A beautiful day had just begun.

Let's order food tonight

“Son, I’m going to show you how to get food today” father cat summoned his son, a baby cat.

“Wow! cool dad. Let’s go hunting!” screamed the kitten enthusiastically.

“Hunting?” father widened his eyes “Ho ho hold it right there son. We don’t hunt.”

“But we are the cat family. All our relatives hunt. Cheetahs, Tigers, Lions” Said a disappointed son.

Father placed his tiny paw on the even tinier son’s shoulder “Look son, those relatives of ours are fools. They run behind food, hunt it, fall down, get wounded, chase another prey and finally by a stroke of luck get to eat something. But we are most sophisticated of our cat kinds. We are… the house cats. We have been worshipped by these humans for ages. They wash us, serve us food, make us place to live, clean them regularly and what not. They even pick up our droppings” winked the father proudly.

“Oh! I never thought of it that way” wondered the kitten.

“You are young still my boy. I’m going to show you how to control these pets of ours. So, when I’m not around in the future you may hold the power over these slaves and take good care of them” beamed the dad. The son accepted the honour.

The mighty father took his son to the kitchen.

“This is the food store son. This is where our pets bring and save our food so we don’t have to go out in the sun and hunt on our own. Now watch me carefully. Observe and learn” said the father and walked towards the lady who was preparing food for her kids.

“Hey you! You there. What’s your name again?” shouted the father.

The woman looked down at the house cat meowing at her. She smiled and said “Well hello there Mr. Whiskers. How you doing?”

“Such a long name? All I asked was your name. Are you retarded? She answers different each time I ask her name. Gosh our ancestors never taught these slaves to talk”

The woman bent down to pick him up.

“No no no. No need to touch my feet” screamed daddy cat stepping back, trying to be modest in front of his son. Normally he would allow her to pick him up and pet him. It felt great.

Instead he beckoned his son to come inside the kitchen.

“Look fat lady. This is my son. You should know but I can’t trust your memory. He is going to be the next ruler of this land. So whenever he wants food, you give him. When he wants water, you give him. When he wants a massage, you give him. When he wants to pee, you… uh… you provide him… place to pee. Do you understand, you dim wit? Now heed my command or I will kill you right now. As your master I order you to produce food before me instantly”

The woman felt sorry for the little cat meowing at her with sad eyes.

“Awwww, poor little kitty brought his baby kitten with him. You both must be pretty hungry by now. Look at your eyes, all teary, watery. Here, have some of this dish I’m preparing for the kids. Don’t tell them I gave it to you before them” winked the woman and placed some fish on the cat’s bowl. The cat pushed the bowl proudly out of the kitchen.

“Ha ha ha. That was fun. See son, that’s how it’s done. But I feel sorry for scaring her to death” said the father guilt fully.

“Ha ha yeah dad, you’re awesome. She’ll be traumatized for life. I bet she’s crying right now. ” added the son.

“Here, try this fish. That human maybe stupid but she makes great food” said the father, munching on a bite not realizing that the fish was raw.

Iron man 3

I’m going through a phase where no movie seems to impress me. Being a hard-core comics lover I’ve read all kinds of stories and seen all kinds of twists. The last movie I loved was Avengers exactly a year back. Honestly I didn’t even like Dark Knight Rises; it’s exactly like a comic series I read a while back (with the same name). I don’t know if it happens to everybody but I just lose interest halfway through the movie. It’s like I can tell what’s going to happen next. Just when I had decided that there’s no cure for me, I saw Iron man 3.

Let’s just be honest. The first movie was Okay. The second was a CG packed disaster. Then Tony Stark carried the nuclear warhead into the wormhole destroying the alien mother ship and saving the world (or maybe just New York) in Avengers. We also witnessed him transforming into a selfless hero. Before that he was just a selfish, attention-seeking, wannabe role-model. Even Batman never comes out of his mask and says “I’m Batman” (and by God he says “I’m Batman” a lot). That’s when we learned this Iron man really is something. This story happens after the alien invasion.

Yes, our lovable genius-slash-billionaire-slash-philanthropist is back. Did I miss something? Oh yes, he’s not a playboy anymore. He’s in a committed relationship with, who else, Miss Pepper Potts who was just a personal assistant and then became CEO and finally his lover (workplace affairs I say). Tony’s only concern now is her safety and spends sleepless nights designing better armours trying to keep the only thing he loves safe.

Now we all know what happens when a protagonist is concerned about his love and he just happens to be stupid enough to reveal his secret identity to the world. There’s a reason superheroes wear masks buddy!

Now let’s see who we’ve got here. There’s a troubled genius who once sought Tony for partnership but was let down because our charmer was charming a… better partner. Obviously that’s not gonna go well right? We’ve seen thousands of movies to know that. Tony confesses in the very beginning that he had created demons. I thought that’s just a metaphor. Now that I think of it, that’s a brilliant analogy. Don’t worry, I’m not spoiling the story, people won’t even consider this correlation when they watch the movie. Now you can.

Then we have a terrorist played by Ben Kingsley. Absolutely brilliant performance I must say. When was the last time you saw a bad guy in the movies and thanked god that this character does not exist in real life. He’s that good. He sends out videos like our regular terrorist, looks like a regular terrorist, kills like a regular terrorist, but when you hear his voice you just shrink in your seat. Such a mixture of terror and confidence he exudes that even the president starts sweating in his oval office. But what really impressed (or dazzled, call it whatever) me performance-wise was his other personality. Here’s where I stop and let you find it out on your own.

As if these weren’t problem enough for the poor Tony we have bloody mutants now, err, super-hot mutants exactly. Who are they, what they can do? Well, watch the movie.

Remember when Captain America mocked Iron man saying “Take off the armour and what are you?” I think our Tony took that a little personally (regardless of the perfect comeback in that movie) because he proved what he is even without the armour. You just need brain you see. And brain is another important subject in the movie, because well, that’s our operating system and like any other software it can be upgraded. We do it every day, learning new skills and stuffs. A prodigy takes it further and upgrades the basic kernel, the DNA. Ok now I’ll stop.

Pepper is another amazing character. I like it when the ladies in the movie aren’t just eye candy and actually have a role to play. Pepper is such a great character. No matter how brilliant the guy (Tony in our case) may be, he needs a woman to take care of him. That is our Pepper. She even gives up her CEO position in the second movie because she wanted to look after Tony and not the company. How many women would do that? She is everything a guy could ever want. Gwyneth Paltrow plays it so good (that it was worth looking up her name). No wonder the playboy stopped playing the field and retired.

Now I have to sing praises for another character. Guess who it is! I can safely say that whatever you thought was wrong. No, it’s not Robert Downey Jr (who is such an awesome actor I simply cannot do justice with my writing, he’s the show). The character I’m talking about is not even alive. It’s Jarvis, the Artificial Intelligence system that controls the entire Stark mansion and also is available to Tony in the armour and does his work for him from telephoning people to blowing people up. What I loved about Jarvis is its genuine concern for its master’s welfare often jibing at his recklessness with sarcastic comments. It helps him investigate, it helps him navigate, it gives him company when Pepper has gone to bed and he can’t sleep. It affectionately calls Tony “Sir” and Tony reciprocates by calling it “Buddy”. If computers are this faithful to their creators then there won’t be a threat of computers taking over mankind like in Terminator or Matrix. Is it wrong that I fell in love with a computer and is it even more awkward that the A.I happens to speak in… uh… a male voice?

Whatever, I just loved the scene when Tony is a hundred feet underwater weighed down by his own armour and Jarvis says

“Take a deep breath sir”

Stan Lee makes cameo appearance as usual. In case you’re wondering who in the shell that is, he’s not a martial arts champion and in no way related to Jet Lee or Bruce Lee. True Marvel fan would know Stan. He created many (hundreds in fact) superhit characters like Spiderman, X-men, Fantastic Four, all of Avengers including Iron man. He can be seen in all of marvel movies based on his characters, for a few seconds only though. Why am I saying this? So the next time you see a marvel movie you can look out for a really old guy with bushy white moustache and square glasses. That’s him, the god of Marvel universe. In this movie though, he’s seen judging a bunch of models in bikini. You lucky old *censored*.

There is no lack of humour in the movie. Even during intense moments Tony comes out of the screen and tickles you (3D movie ya’know). Then you’ll laugh and be like “Oh come on! It’s a serious scene” and then you’ll giggle some more.

In overall the movie is okay (in a universe where okay is synonymous to awesome). An evil genius, a terrorist and bunch of mutants may sound cliché but there’s nothing cliché in this movie. You have to see it to see. Seems like the hero is trapped between a pool of bad guys doesn’t it? I guess I made it seem a lot complex. How he deals with all this mess makes a fantastic story.

If you are a Marvel fan like me then you won’t be disappointed. Another marvellous creation from Marvel.

Moral of the story: We all create Demons!

Urinal Personalities

Just to show that I pay attention to cheesiest of things I present to you: the types of urinal personalities. What’s that? You’ll see. It’s about how to understand a man based on his behaviour there. For the sake of decency let’s refer the urinal by “work-place”. And ladies, you have no gyaan to be gained. I’m helping men understand other men. I know you’ll go read it anyway(now with more eagerness), so I’m not to be blamed if you scar your face by excessive laughing (yes, I live in the delusional world where my jokes are super awesome) or in rare cases suffer from other side-effects including but not limiting to puking, headache, grossness, several forms of somnia and increased hatred towards me. You have been warned. (and btw, you did click on the post despite the wacky title)

Oh, and don’t go around asking men what personality they are (they would lie).

Here goes:-

The Hit and Run:This guy comes in swiftly, finishes his work promptly, packs-up and leaves in a jiffy like Flash(Justice League). Sometimes, this guy doesn’t even stop to wash his hands and even if he does stop he just drenches his palms for precisely 3/10 sec and leaves without even taking a tissue or stopping near the blower (it never works anyway). The whole transaction takes about 10 seconds. But Sigh, I’ll never know what ‘sabji’ he left on the stove in kitchen that he runs so fast.

My inference: People of this type are very stringent about time-management and don’t want to waste it on such petty jobs. Wasting time pisses them off.

My advice: Dude, it’s better to leave the hands dry than merely wetting it man, coz you know, germs multiply rapidly in moisture. And… check your zipper before leaving.

The Awkward king of awkwardness:This guy comes in, looks around, sees that there are about five more work-places available, but comes and stands right next to you. What’s wrong with you pal?Seriously.

My inference: This kind of guy is actually very timid and just need someone close to feel safe. You know how lonely the work-place is!

My advice: Don’t! just… don’t!

The Social-Butterfly:This guy comes in, starts doing his ‘job’, notices that someone familiar (you) is also doing business in the same field, and starts talking like it’s not-at-all awkward. I remember once a guy I knew was next to me and I had no idea it’s him who’s beside me. All of a sudden he goes “So what are you doing?” It was irritating, I wanted to say “Irrigating farms on the outskirts of Sahara! Wanna chip in?” Of course he forgot to add “nowadays” but it’s freaky guys, don’t do it.

My inference: This kind despite all their inappropriateness, are actually very friendly (outside of the workplace). They just don’t know when to stop being friendly, even if there’s a divider between you.

My advice: Dear nice guy… Shut-up!

(Talking of dividers, some are so non-existent that you can check out the shoes (?!) of the man in the last work-place from yours. Dear builder, you may be shameless but some of us are not!)

The Creeper:This guy stands in his workplace but instead of minding his own business, looks right and left at everyone. Jeepers Creeper! Dude, what’re you doing? Okay I know what you’re doing, don’t try the last PJ on me, but seriously, what-are-you-doing?

My inference: You know when you’re alone and you get this sudden sensation of being watched? It’s this guy. Very intrusive, irritating and of course Creepy.

My advice: I can’t help you. Go see a shrink!

The “P”rofessionals:This type is rather more than one guy. They come in loud and proud, stand in the farthest possible work-places possible while still talking (about how they changed ‘equal’ sign to ‘equals’ saving the world incidentally), with complete disregard to those in between who just want a peaceful time away from the outside world.

My inference: Attention seeking girls. “I did this, I did that”. “Oh yeah, I spend even this time brainstorming. P(ee) stands for productivity, you see”

My advice: Let’s stop multi-tasking and pay attention to the task at hand shall we?

Look Ma no hands:This is a very intriguing and intimidating variety. They stand.. uh..  like Superman! Or if you’re not sure how superman stands think of Shaktimaan, or a really angry wife with both her hands on her hips. I am really not sure how this posture works out for him, how he does his ‘job’ and I can’t find out without going into the creeper profile. Very rare species.

My inference: This kind is very proud like a lion, possibly arrogant.

My advice: Soldier! Hold your gun steady or you’ll hurt someone.

The Thinker:This guy just does his business. This is seemingly the most unsophisticated, simple being. He doesn’t even look straight. He’ll be looking down at his work-place with keen eyes. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, introspection? (like we do during shower), Thinking of his past?, Future? Plotting world doom? Or maybe he’s just shy, you know, because of the, you know… Or afraid? Trying to aim like a pro-golfer? I don’t know.

My inference: This type of guy is very observant with great attention to detail. Introvert.

My advice: Calm down buddy! This is the easiest task in the world. Don’t look so strained. Ease up. Nothing’s going to fall off!

The critic:This guy is so disgusted by the smell of the work-place that he thinks the odour is actually going into his nose and embedding itself onto his tongues in the form of tiny poison pellets. Hence you can see him constantly spitting into the work-place (act of criticizing). So disrespectful towards the work-place, that he clogs it with his spit thereby making a mess of the place. But hey, I’m excessively hygienic and I don’t care about the next worker, now get outta my face coz I can throw water from two ends at once.

My inference: Obsessive-compulsive. I bet he spends the next ten minutes washing his hands, ankles, eyes, ears, nose etc.

My advice: Hold your breath buddy. It’ll last only 10 seconds. Easy. I don’t mean to brag but I can hold my breath for 2 minutes. ;)

My style? Well, I just stand there looking straight at the wall intently as if I have the x-ray vision of superman (without the superman pose though), and if someone talks to me I give them the look that says “What? You can see me?”

Now name this style whatever you want, I couldn’t. My mom told me I’m unique.

P.S- What is the purpose of this post you ask? Nothing. I didn’t write any post for past couple of months, was being diagnosed with writer’s block, so I’m overcompensating by writing crap. Deal with it!

P.P.S- You were warned. :P

World is feminist

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that most of the readers (if I have any) are of the female variety of Homo-sapiens. I have an idea of the amount of “posterior-kicking” I’m going to get. I know many people will get offended, most will curse (I encourage) and some will just ignore calling me ill-informed brat. Anyway I had to vent my feelings somehow.

So, I was travelling back from office in a bus with a friend and let me add that the day was women’s day. Sorry, God forgive me it was ‘International’ women’s day. She was going off about all the things that happened in office. First, a flower wishing happy women’s day, then another flower at the desk, then countless mails, and then cakes, and then I stopped paying attention. I started thinking about it and realised how unfair the world has been to us guys. It really hurts you know!! So bear with me while I whine like a girl- about girls. Like a true girl, tee-hee.

Let’s start with the ‘International’ women’s day. There were a couple of mails before the auspicious day that requested women to come in traditional outfit. I repeat… couple of mails… more than one!

So the next day I went expectantly, but nothing ‘traditional’ in sight. I enter the lift. There she was, a sweet lady, a generous lady I’d rather say, with neck line running so deep that when she moved forward to get out of the lift, with proper lighting I could’ve seen her… uh.. What is it called?… belly button. I was disturbed the whole day and I saw only one lady with sari (who was way more generous than others). It’s not their fault really you know, the mail never said what tradition to follow.

Well, that’s okay, I don’t have any complains about their liberality *wink wink*. My complaint is that we don’t have a day. Forget “International”, we don’t even get a “Local Men’s day”. Damn it, we don’t even have “Men’s half-day”. While mother’s day is very popular, with even TV channels and newspapers wishing all the mothers, Father’s day is reminded to us by some odd posts on Facebook.

Next, the clothing that affected me that day. You have myriad of dress varieties. All we have is shirt-pant or jeans-Tee. Okay, there are maybe others like sherwani or suits but I’m talking about normal, everyday, comfy dresses. There’s also lack of designs. We just can’t wear those bright shades, beautiful flowers, chirpy birds, rainbows or anything with more than 3 colours within a square-foot. And the worst part is… you girls can wear all that we can! And vice-versa looks terrible, I’ve tried.

Even divorce is in women’s favour (Kim Kadarshian?). In a divorce the woman gets half of his money, aaand ALL the kids. All the guy is left with is the half-property (bad-half), a broken, miserable life, no kids and still have to pay for their education. Does this apply to Indians too or am I too influenced by the western life. Anyway, I know men will agree.

JEE application was 1000 when I bought it, and it was 500 for girls and the disabled. Come on girls, how dare they associate you with the disabled. Same is for Anna University applications. GATE exam fee is Rs.1200 for men and guess what for girls? That’s right. One big Diddly Squat. But there is no such thing as free meals sir. A guy is essentially paying for a girl. I don’t know about other fees but you get my point.

Men die no care. “Gundu vedippil irandu kuzhanthaigal matrum moondru pengal utpada iruvathu per bali” (“twenty people died in the bomb blast including 2 children and 3 women”). I’m sure the other 15 casualties were a bunch of street dogs that sniffed their way into doom.

Women get special seats in buses and special car in trains. Now again it hurts me how we are likening our female counterparts with physically disabled who also get special seats and special cars in train. And if they exhaust their seats they are always welcome to come and occupy our seats. It’s not like we are going to complain or give them dirty looks, calling them insensitive, impolite or anything. I have been asked to get up from ladies’ seat plenty of times by women who, after two minutes, would get down at the next stop. It’s always right to stand up for your right (to sit down), right? Men would ever ask a woman to get up from men’s seat. Bunch of sissies!

I’ll personally give up my seat any time, not because of their gender, I just like standing in bus. Because, well, standing is good for health. Yes, it’s selfish but you see, people who sit more than 6 hours a day have increased risk of heart attack (even if you work out). It’s all part of my evil plan when I let them sit *Muhuhahaha*. But I won’t tell them this. Then they’ll all be standing and nobody sitting. Last thing I want is an old fat woman yelling at me “Sit down! This is women’s standing spot”.

Nobody gives a lift to a stranded man. No need for explanation. He probably deserved it.
You feel bad, dress up, go out and bask in the attention you are getting. I feel low, it’s better to curl up in the corner of the room than going out and getting swallowed by depression. The only girl that gives me attention is our street dog. But she only loves me for my biscuits. I think she’s cheating on me with the neighbour. Like chandler says “It hurts me, it physically hurts me”.
Say hello to a girl, she claims that so-so guy was teasing her and BAM, he’s behind the bars. No proof needed. If I complain even with a photo of a girl stalking me, they’ll go “Awww! Isn’t it cute. She honestly loves you man!” The rules are very, VERY lenient. Today, if she hates some guy for whatever reason, he stole her lollipop in LKG, didn’t say hi back etc etc… she can even kill him and claim that he was harassing her. No questions asked. We think sexism is discrimination against women, but believe it or not, it does mean the other way around too. Really!!
I think God designed the world to pamper His dear ladies. He even created the first man to prepare the place for her majesty’s arrival.

Please be thankful and stop complaining. World is a good place for everyone. It’s sad to see the increasing misandry in our country. Just because some men go bad doesn’t mean they all are. Men truly respect women. No woman wrote a song for another woman. When a girl complements another girl she’s secretly jealous or wants a complement back but when a guy complements he really means it. It’s rightly said that only a man can truly appreciate a woman and love her more than anything else.

I’m sure the people behind women’s day celebration in cognizant were men. They are like that. They don’t look for appreciation, they just give. They don’t expect special treatment; they like making others feel special. I say ‘they’ not ‘we’ because I consider myself just a boy when compared to those gentlemen. My dad still refuses to buy a new shirt while my mom’s collection is having an exponential growth even though she can wear a new saree for each day of the year. I guess that kind of ‘Man’ness is still a long way for me to go. Isn’t it funny how ‘Man’ness sounds like Manners?

Okay, the history of women may have been a nightmare. Some problems still exist and men are not the cause, at least not the only cause.

Yes, the world is not fair to women. I’m sorry it does not give equal rights to you, because it gives more than that.

Yes, it is man-dominated society, but the men are feminists.
Finally, before I go into hiding, I would like to end this by quoting Eminem’s dialog
“I’m just playing ladies, you know I love you”

 P.S- I just found out that there really IS an “International Men’s Day”. But hey! Who knew? On a related note, there also is an “International Monkey Day”. But hey! Who knew?P.P.S- No, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I’m not misogynist either (refer to the Eminem reference)P.P.P.S- I wrote this post to make women feel good but somehow I unwittingly filled it with sarcasm. My bad! I whine a lot, I know. I could’ve written 10 more pages but it’s 1 in the morning already. Be glad that I stopped at this length. If you agree to even one point I’m a win.

How Babies are made

Origin is one of the most intriguing subject to mankind that has always has uncertain answers. While grown people wonder how universe began and how life came to a start in our planet, our little scientists wonder how babies come into existence. Here’s how to answer the little fellas when their curious minds, probing various subjects, finally settle down to this question.

Nice Way:

Little girl goes near her dad who’s working on his computer.

“Daddy! How are babies made? Mom says she’s going to give me a baby brother soon.”

Dad is embarrassed but thinks a little and decides to tell her. Dad lifts her onto his lap. He does a little google picture search and shows her a picture of amoeba splitting into two.

“Okay… you see there? I made this picture just for you. That’s a small living thing called amoeba. Let’s take them for example.”

“Why don’t you show me picture of people making babies”

Because I don’t want to go to jail. “Err… sorry honey, we don’t have picture of people making babies in 

our computer“(laughs a little inside)

“Okay” she says disappointed.

“So, this amoeba. It eats and grows up like us. When it’s too big to hold its weight, it starts breaking and splits into two individuals.”

“Okay…” she says slowly, not able to make the connection with humans.

“That’s all. You see, when mom is old enough she starts eating a lot. She becomes silly fat.”

“Yes, her belly is as big as grandpa’s!” She exclaims, finally getting it.

“Uh… yes. That extra weight becomes a baby slowly inside her. When the baby is big, mom will have difficulty holding the extra weight. Then one day the belly will fall off her and the baby will be separate. That’s how you were born.” Dad finishes congratulating himself for pulling off the story perfectly.

“Ooh!” little girl makes the face of an adult who just understood the theory of relativity.

She tries to recall the concept “Hmm… We grow up. We eat lot. We get big belly. Belly becomes baby. So if big belly becomes baby, why didn’t grandpa give a baby yet?”

Dad looks dumbstruck.

Moral: Lie doesn’t works, even with kids.

Not-so-Nice Way:

Little brother came into big brother’s room and asked “Bhaiya, how did mom and dad make me? I’m asking them but they’re not telling me. They said some stork brought me home. I know they’re lying.”

Big brother, who was working on his laptop, got irritated by the intervention, but decided not to be rude to his little brother.

“Wow… you’re one smart fella aren’t you”, big bro turned and looked at him, then said “I’ll tell you but you shouldn’t tell this to anyone okay?”

“Okay” little boy jumped up and down in expectation.

“I’m not supposed to tell you this, and maybe you’re too young to know this, but I believe in the right to information”

“Hmm”

“You’ll most definitely get shocked after hearing this so I’m preparing you for it by saying these things. But in case you still find it horrifying and you wanna cry, do it here. You shouldn’t show it in front of mom and dad, okay?”

“Okay” said the little boy somewhat uncomfortable now.

“Great… Now… you see there are certain things that grown up people do. Mostly married people”

“Oh… What’s that?” boy asked wide eyed.

“Lot of stupid stuffs, you won’t understand most of them. One of them…” He said looking into little brother’s eyes, “is called adoption… you were adopted!” he said trying to hold off the smirk.

The kid never pestered his parents again.

Moral: Hurtful things, even if they are lies, work.

Disclaimer: Don’t try this at home.