With Halloween comes the horror

    It’s Halloween night folks. Though we don’t have much to do with the day, we do know a lot about this commercially successful festival of the west. Pumpkin carvings with candles in them. Hmmm, food in candle light, so romantic.

    All I know is that, this is the day (or night) when the dead allegedly visit the living world, for what purpose I don’t know. Maybe they get a break from their busy schedule (Halloween is a holiday you know). So, the clever living people dress up as the dead to confuse them. This reminds me of a scene from ‘Walking Dead’ comics where the guys smear zombie blood on themselves so the zombies will ‘think’ them as their own kind.

    This is the time when little kids dress up as cute paranormals like grim reaper, witch, vampire, werewolf, Frankenstein’s monster, Jack O’ Lantern etc and solicit/beg/threaten their neighbors for treats. This is also the time when teenagers can officially dress up as the same freakishly scary characters but with ‘slutty’ being the first name of the character like ‘slutty vampire’ (yes, I saw ‘Mean Girls’). Mother Earth apparently got fed up and sent SANDY to wash off the excessive makeup.

    During a festival like this we develop this weird inclination towards the paranormal. I am so inclined already that any more inclination and I’ll fall flat on my face and will look like a paranormal creature myself. Anyway I’ve got some horror movies on download list and will be watching tonight hopefully.

According to tradition, if a person wears his or her clothes inside out and then walks backwards on Halloween, he or she will see a witch at midnight. I would love to try that tonight but I’m afraid our place is out of the witch’s jurisdiction.

    But this question arises again and again. Are ghosts for real?

    

    I have a few experiences of my own, which I’ll be posting soon. We have so many videos on YouTube and thousands of pictures claiming to be real ghosts floating all around the internet. This just means that we are more interested in the darker side. What is most scary is also the most interesting. There don’t seem to be any photo claiming to be real picture of God.

    

    But then again science ruins the fun calling them fake. While we try to communicate with ghosts using Ouija Board, science calls it Ideo-motor effect.

    Vampires are impossible because our own existence implies their inexistence. If there was a first vampire (namely Count Dracula) he would feed on some and turn them to vampires and they in turn create some more. Some mathematician got bored and did the math and declared that the whole world would be vampireville  in a couple of months. So that myth is busted.

    

    Same goes to werewolves. Busted!

    Witch which (homophone alert) actually meant wise women, were women doing scientific experiments. They were called witches and were hunted down by the religious people who considered it black magic (or a threat to their religion).

    

    Frankenstein is not actually a monster. Frankenstein’s monster is the monster. Frankenstein is actually the name of the doctor who unites or stitches together body parts from three dead bodies and gives it life (in a novel, don’t worry). The author probably pondered over how to breath life into a dead body and then realized it was impossible, so she just wrote that the method can’t be explained as other people may try to redo the filthy process of giving life. Smart move Mary Shelly, smart move! So the whole exclamation “IT’S ALIVE!!” is a big BS. Dumbledore so wisely said “no magic can bring back the dead”.

    

    ‘Bring back the dead’ topic is incomplete without mentioning zombies. Zombies are the benchmark for horror these days. The girl runs wildly, she slips and falls, while the boy next door she had a crush on, comes crashing and ‘eats her up’, literally. And so starts every zombie movie.

  

    Zombies, with the memory of a gold fish, agility of a panda and IQ of a coffee machine, are the scariest thing to walk/crawl/moan on the earth, though they are dead as a dodo. They are the most frequent themes in horror be it games, books, movies or TV series. Shooting people in a game is age restricted but shooting zombies is perfectly cool. It’s like a training the government is giving us. Some people in the west are convinced that a zombie apocalypse is so dangerously imminent that they have designed their houses in an anti-zombie fashion with all the long lasting food supplies and weapons.

    

    We can’t blame them. When you see such movies, the cause of the necromorph (virus, military research, infection or simply a spell book) are so credible that we wonder what we’ll be doing if such a day comes around. Well, I’ll be doing the oldest trick known to mankind. Dress up like them and hope they don’t see through the make up, just like our western buddies on Halloween.

    Happy Halloween Friends. J

(Comment on how you’ll survive a zombie apocalypse, while I go shoot some zombies in Left4Dead game)

Hopelessly in Love

I think of you every morning,

Each and every day that I start;

Caring not for what this might bring,

Hopelessly in love, I gave you my heart;

Through your fingers, exquisite yet careless,

My love struck heart, it slipped, it fell;

It broke, shattered into pieces so formless,

Count of which I couldn't tell;

So I picked up every piece, every bit,

Consequences of my lovely affair;

Perhaps I should've pasted a note on it,

Clearly saying 'handle with care';

Sewed it, glued it, all the pieces intricately tiled,

I placed it, back upon your palm;

You let it go like an unsure child,

No guilt whatsoever, no regret, no qualm;

Being clumsy, this risk you're not ready to take,

But I so wish you would try;

You’re afraid of where this might take,

You’ve been hurt before, but so have I;

I hope someday you'll love me,

I hope someday you'll care;

But if and when that day does come,

I hope I'm not broken beyond repair;

                                                        -GBK

/*

Disclaimer-

I've never really written a poem before(except that one time in primary school), so mercy :)..

and for any feedback you give, merci merci merci :).. (well that was poetic)

*/

Friendship Equation

           Admit it. We all hated algebra (at some point in life, if not perpetually). With all the (+)s and (–)s and to make it worse there are stupid jokes about how we try to find the Xs and Ys. Dude, she’s “X” for a reason, “Y” would you want to find her. Anyway, if Math has so many EXs he’s got serious stability issues (or he’s super playboy).

            I was in the 6th when I first heard the word ‘Algebra’.  A very weird sounding word indeed. The only other word that sounds and means similar that I found is ‘Avada Kedavra’. When my Math teacher dictated us a problem he always began with ‘Solve’ with such an accent that it sounded to me like ‘Saavu’ which in our native tamil language means ‘Die’.  Eerie resemblance, I know.

            Then came the most basic notion to be remembered forever. The sign concept (which was tougher than learning sign language) which tells us what the sign of the answer should be when the numbers are of different signs. There were many shortcuts explained to us, each of which found their own shortcuts from left ear to right ear without going through the brain. Then my dad taught me how to use a line with zero in the middle and positive and negative numbers at either side, which helped a lot in understanding how to add and subtract the numbers. The multiplying and dividing have the same rule, which I used to make my own equation (yes, at that age). Applauses later folks ;)

            It goes like this. You are walking down the street and you bump into a friend. He’s with a friend and introduces him to you. Now who is this guy to you? A friend? Well, thinking about it, yes. And that’s what the friendship equation tells us.

            We will take positive sign as a friend because they induce positive feelings in us. So the negative sign must be enemy (how smart). And the rest is self explanatory.

                           (+) *(+)=(+)
      Friend of our Friend is our Friend

                           (+) *(-)=(-)

      Friend of our Enemy is our Enemy

                           (-) *(+)=(-)

      Enemy of our Friend is our Enemy

                           (-) *(-)=(+)

       Enemy of our Enemy is our Friend

   Who says algebra can’t be used in our practical life :)

Child's Play (Part II)

(The two babies Bob and Alan and their dog Jamie are having a conversation about the most complex subject know to mankind- Love)

(-continues after Part I-)

BOB(breathes out)- okay. So she tells she likes this Bonding guy. And I was shocked because I know her for so long. I practically have dibs on her, don’t I?

ALAN-yeah!

JAMIE-whoa wait! What’s that? Dibs ? dubs? Tubs?

ALAN- Dibs. It means you declare it yours. For example when I call dibs on the sandwich you can’t have it Jamie, which you often do.

JAMIE- Oh! And how to do call dibs on something?

ALAN- by saying “dibs” of course.

JAMIE- Oh that’s funny! Just saying dibs won’t make it known to the whole world, now would it?

ALAN- How can we do it then?

JAMIE- Its simple! Do you know how we dogs call dibs on something?

ALAN- no

JAMIE- By peeing on it! That way any other dogs coming near that thing will know that the object is taken.

BOB- Eeew!

ALAN- Hahaha. Now imagine Bob peeing on Jasmine to make her his. Now that would be a sight. It would be such an easy world. You want something? PEE ON IT!

(Alan & Jamie fall down laughing again)

BOB- Not funny dude, not funny.

ALAN(sniffing)- Sorry Bob. Couldn’t help it. Imagine a world like that where we pee to own something. And since we, babies, always have so much in stock we could practically own everything we lay eye on.

(Jamie continues laughing)

ALAN- And dogs too. Dogs pee all the time. Hey Jamie, is that how you had that Lily? That street dog from the next block.

(Jamie goes silent all of a sudden)

BOB- What happened?

JAMIE- Nothing! Just don’t talk about her. She’s a bitch.

ALAN- Of course she’s a bitch.

JAMIE- You knew?

ALAN- Duh? Female dog is called bitch. Wait! She’s a bitch right? You didn’t go after her thinking she’s a pony or something, right?

BOB- I don’t think that’s was Jamie means. You need to grow up Alan.

ALAN- Come on don’t give the same crap. You are 2 months older than me and Jamie is just a year older.

JAMIE- You are one and I’m two. I’m twice your age buddy.

ALAN- Still you are just a year older.

JAMIE- Alright, I was being generous on you buddy. Not any more. Do you know what a “dog year” is?

ALAN- What is that?

JAMIE- Dogs mature way more quickly than you humans do. So physically I’m grown like a 24 year old human. In that case I’m as old as your mom. But I still call her mom.

ALAN- Oh god! You’re really that old?

JAMIE- Yup. But don’t worry I have a child’s heart. (Jamie sticks out his tongue and makes that face again)

ALAN-oh..kay! So what happened to that Lily? Your bitch.

JAMIE- I don’t want to talk about it buddy.

BOB- Oh c’mon Jimmy!

JAMIE- I-am-not  Jim…! Fine. I’ll tell you. You know how I loved her. I went out just to meet her. I snuck lots of Pedigree snack out of the house to give her. I thought she’s the one. Although dogs are not practically monogamous, I still believed she’s the one for me. And then, when I went out today to meet her. (He stops)

BOB- What happened?

JAMIE- She was with that hound from that rich house down the lane. You won’t believe what they were doing. They were… they were… (Stops again)

(Bob shuts Alan’s ears considerately, who pulls away protesting)

BOB- Let me guess… Doggy style?

JAMIE- They were sniffing each other! Can you believe that?

BOB- That’s it? How’s that bad?

JAMIE- Of course you won’t understand it. It’s a dog thing. Sniffing is a sign of deep affection. If she lets you sniff her, without protest, she trusts you. She told me I’m her only ‘sniffer’. That was so special for me. But now she let that son-of-a-bitch sniff her. She didn’t even have a name for god’s sake! I named her Lily.

ALAN- Whoa, wait a sec. You called him a son-of-a-

JAMIE-No don’t say it

ALAN-Why?

JAMIE-It’s offensive to call someone that, okay?

ALAN- Really? How is that offensive? He's a dog.

JAMIE- You do realize that you are asking a sad dog the details of English, right?

BOB- Poor Jamie..

JAMIE- At last my real name. Phew!! Thanks anyway.

BOB- I can understand dude. Just like you lost your love, I lost mine. Heart breaks at such young age. James, that son-of-a-woman!

JAMIE- Uh... You can’t just say... never mind. Hey you never completed your story with jasmine. What happened after she declared her relationship with Bones Jond.

BOB-James Bond. Uh... nothing happened after that.

JAMIE- Oh no, you don’t get away like that. I smell something funny.

ALAN-yeah I smell something funny too. What happened?

BOB- Well… I didn’t know how to convince her… so in a desperate attempt at impressing, I kissed her.

ALAN- Whoa!!

JAMIE- I never understood kissing. I mean, it tastes better when u lick.

BOB- I wish I didn’t do that. Because, she started crying for her mom. I got so scared 

my stomach lurched.

ALAN- Hahaha! You got yourself in a deep shit.

BOB- Yeah literally...

ALAN- What?

BOB- Like I said... my stomach lurched... and I...

JAMIE (Starts laughing)- you pooped in your diapers!!

(Alan falls down laughing, yet again)

JAMIE- I knew I smelled something funny. Never try to deceive a dog. We don’t have 

to poke our nose in someone’s personal matters but we can still smell when things go shitty. 

ALAN- So you haven’t changed your diaper yet?

BOB- No, it’s embarrassing. I’ll signal mom when I get home.

ALAN-So you are basically pulling off your heroic feat of ‘sit on shit’.

JAMIE-Oh Bob please tell me you said ‘oh crap!’

(Alan and Jamie laugh again)

BOB- Shut up Jam!

JAMIE (snorting) - I don’t mind, call me anything. You’ve been through a lot, poor boy.

ALAN- So two break-ups in a single day. I guess I’m the only one with my pumping organ intact, and by that I meant the heart.

BOB- Don’t ever fall in love dude.

JAMIE-I second that!

ALAN- Come on guys, stop whining! Okay let’s make a pact. We will never fall for the woman-kind.

JAMIE- and bitch-kind. Really, those are the worst kind.

BOB- Hmm hmm. Love isn’t a child’s play. We will always stay bachelors!

JAMIE(shouts)- To Bachelorhood!

ALAN(shouts)- yeah Childhood!

BOB(thinks of something to rhyme)- Robinhood!!

Just then their moms come in with another lady. There’s a baby sitting on her hip.

MOM- and there’s my kid Alan playing with Bob. Gosh, they make so much noise together. And that’s Jamie, our dog.

LADY- you allow your dog near your kid? I would never.

MOM- yeah there’s no problem. In fact I’ve read that such kids have lesser allergies when they grow up. So when are you moving in your stuffs in that apartment next door? 

(They move out talking.)

BOB (whispers) - Dude you got a girl moving in next door?

ALAN- I don’t know! Is that a girl?

JAMIE- From that pony tail of the baby, I would say Yes!

Bob & Alan (at once) - DIBS!!

JAMIE- Ask her if her dog is a girl.

(The baby girl turns around to look at the two babies discussing something under their breaths. She shakes her head, smiles mischievously and whispers “Boys”.)

(-The End-)

Child's Play (Part I)

Hi, this is my attempt at writing a play, as the name suggests. But opposed to what the name suggests, this may not be for children (and weak hearted  :P ). So, please read with discretion.

Here it goes..

(Jamie enters the house through the gap in the back door and walks through the hallway)

JAMIE (thinking)- Sheesh! I shouldn’t go out anymore, what was I thinking? I should be faithful to my family hereafter. Roaming outside naked in the blazing sun is no good idea, and that too for her?

(Taking in air) Mmmm, Mom is making chicken soup in the kitchen. It needs a little more pepper to make it perfect but how can I tell her?

(walks further)Whatever, I’m just upset. I should go talk to Alan; he’s the only one in the house whom I can talk to. He’s in his room, I can hear him playing. He makes me laugh and my tail wags automatically.

(By the way Jamie is a dog, sorry for the delay in introduction. He can talk to Alan, the baby, because babies have extraordinarily heightened senses, theoretically)

JAMIE- Hi Alan how’s the day? What are you doing lying on your back with your legs up, trying yoga?

ALAN- Hi Jamie, I’m trying to figure out what makes this plastic nipple so sweet. It never stops being sweet.

JAMIE- It’s honey. Its viscosity makes it last longer. And it’s called pacifier not nipple.

ALAN- Oh! Is that what all the people are running after?

JAMIE- What, the nipple?

ALAN- No, the honey thing.

JAMIE- Oh that! No Alan its money they’re running after.

ALAN- But I’ve heard dad saying it many times.

JAMIE- Yeah he calls mom, honey, got it?

ALAN- No I don’t get it.

JAMIE- You need to grow up Alan.

ALAN- I am grown up! Guess what, I took my first step. A small step for a baby, a Giant Leap for… uh… babykind.

JAMIE- Congrats! I don’t know about giant leap but at least you can walk yourself to the toilet.

ALAN- Why should I go there when I have a toilet with me.

JAMIE- You mean your diaper? Not funny. And by the way you’re too slow. You know I started running when I was a month old & some animals start walking right after birth.

ALAN- Really?

JAMIE- Yeah! Hey dogs don’t lie.

ALAN (mutters to himself)- Maybe because you can’t talk at all and I’m just imagining this conversation.

JAMIE- I heard that! We dogs are smarter than we seem to be. We just don’t show it okay? We like being modest and by the time you’re grown up you’ll forget that we used to talk. You’ll even forget the baby language. That’s a serious problem with human’s memory.

ALAN- Again, I’m imagining things.

JAMIE- No you’re not. Tell you what, I’ve lived in this house ever since your parents got married and I know things about this house you can’t even imagine.

ALAN- Like what?

JAMIE- Like the monster hidden in your cupboard.

ALAN- OH MY GOD! (Starts crying)

JAMIE- Hey, shhh! Stop crying dude I’m just joking. Shhhh! Come on stop being a baby. Mom will think I bit you. (Runs and sits in a corner).

(Mom enters and along with the neighbor Mrs. Woods with her child Bob. Mom calms down Alan while Bob is laughing at him)

MOM- Oh, What happened to my cuddly wuddly baby? Did Jamie scare my darling? (Jamie makes the irresistible dog’s face) see he’s a good doggy honey. Hey look your friend Bob just came (points to Bob who’s grinning at him). We’ll leave Bob with you, both of you can play transformers toys.

Mrs. Wood (sitting Bob next to Alan) – Here Alan, your friend is here. Now be goody goody boys and play nice. And Bob, don’t worry chweety, mommy’ll be just outside talking walking with aunty. Play with these teeny weeny toys little googu geegie babies.

(Mom and Mrs. Wood leave the room, mom saying  “How do you talk so sweet? Teach me” and Mrs. Wood saying “It comes with experience dear”. Jamie starts laughing)

JAMIE- Ha ha ha. I love how they try to talk like you kids. Not even close.

BOB- I know. Its embarrassing. don’t mention it Jimmy.

JAMIE- Jamie.

BOB- Whatever, it all sounds the same to me.

JAMIE- You need to grow up.

BOB- I am grown up. I have a….had a…. never mind.

JAMIE- What?… and what’s that smell.

ALAN- hehe, you smell like a girl.

BOB- Look who’s talking of being a girl. You cry like a baby.

ALAN- At least I don’t smell like a flower.

BOB- it’s the baby powder okay?

ALAN- who’s the baby now, girlie? Ha ha let me guess, jasmine flavor?

BOB- Stop it.

ALAN- Hey isn’t that you’re girl friend’s name? Jasmine! You’re carrying Jasmine on your skin, literally? Now that’s a commitment.

BOB- I said stop it. Its over!

ALAN- Why what the matter Bob? Did she tell you she doesn’t hook up with minors? Ha ha ha. So that’s what all the ‘Have a.. uh.. Had a..uh’ was all about.

JAMIE- You won’t understand, Alan, leave it. You’re too young.

ALAN- Oh come on, he’s just 2 months older than me. And since when did you start supporting him?

BOB- He’s right Jimmy. He should know. He’s not a baby anymore.  At least he won’t commit the same mistake like me, if I warned him.

JAMIE- Okay then go on.

BOB-So you know how I used to follow her whenever she came to our home with her mom

ALAN- Yeah

BOB- She used to speak so sweet with me. She even said once “Bob you’re so sweet, I like you” and many such……. statements.

JAMIE- I know where it’s going

BOB- So I built up courage to ask her out.

JAMIE-typical

BOB- So when I got to her place with my mom, this morning right before I came here, naturally mom left me in her room to play.

JAMIE- Ooh it’s getting interesting

BOB- Will you stop interrupting me?

JAMIE- Okie dokie

BOB- Uh so where was I? ya. She was there cute as always, in just her diapers and I started to feel…

JAMIE- Whoa whoa wait a sec. so technically you saw her topless?

BOB- What?

JAMIE- Never mind!

ALAN- You got a dirty mouth, you know that right?

JAMIE- No way! Fact is that a dog’s mouth has lesser germs than an average man’s mouth.

BOB- GUYS, I’m trying to narrate my tragedy. Stop your mix-up of morality and science.

ALAN- Sorry.

BOB- Okay! So there she was and I didn’t want to delay it anymore. So I just blurted out the 3 words quickly.

JAMIE- Mess up.

BOB- What?

JAMIE- She’ll never like you if you don’t have the confidence. For god’s sake you should be more romantic, man. Then what happened?

BOB- She tried to convince me that this isn’t the age. She said “Bob of course I like you but not that way”. I tried to explain how I felt, but she just said “Its just infatuation, your teenage plays tricks with your mind”

ALAN- Teenage?

BOB- Duh! I’m fourTEEN months old. That makes me a teenager.

JAMIE-hehe Yeah sure!

ALAN- Hmm. I never thought of it that way. So what happened?

BOB- What was to happen? I kept pressing her. At last she said I’m not cute enough.

ALAN- Oh my god! She really said that?

BOB(controlling his tears)- Yeah! She said she wants someone as cute as Edward. Who the hell is Edward?

ALAN- Oh that’s the problem. It’s funny she wants a fictional character. Edward is a vampire boyfriend from the “Twilight” movie series. He’s freaking handsome and does everything for his girlfriend. No wonder girls from all over the world dream of him and have unrealistic expectations.

BOB-Is that it? A vampire? Why would she want a filthy little blood sucker? Why not.. why not a little milk sucker?

(Alan & Jamie fall down laughing)

JAMIE- See, according to rural myths a mother’s blood is converted into milk. In that way you are a vampire too. Cheers!

BOB- Not funny jimmy.

JAMIE- Jamie! Never mind. Then what happened? Tell her there’s no Edward in real life.

BOB- That’s the problem. I kept asking her. In the end she admitted that there’s someone else. Someone called James. Can you believe it? She says the bond between them is special.

ALAN- Bond with James. James Bond! Interesting.

BOB- Not interesting dude. I mean I know her for ages.

JAMIE- Really? Ages?

BOB- Yeah ages. Since I was a baby. Since before teenage!

JAMIE- I must say your story is really funny buddy. Love of ages, older than sages. Hahaha.

BOB- Bite me!

JAMIE- You want me to?

ALAN- No Jamie he’s asking you to get lost.

JAMIE- I was lost until a cute couple found me ages ago. See, now this is ages of love.

ALAN- Be quite Jamie. Go on Bob.

(-To be continued-)