IRCTC for Dummies

We have all used trains, at least once. I have travelled dozens of dozen time. It’s a magical experience, isn’t it?  You can experience the whole country through that window, the farms, the rivers, lakes, beautiful trees, and the occasional stone thrown by naughty kids and the dirty water from the window behind. It’s amazing.

It’s Diwali time and I know most of us don’t have the luxury to use airlines. Unless you fake a meeting and use company money for airline, you have to take a train and book ticket for yourself.

Being one of the largest railway networks in the world, it is very hard to maintain thousands of trains. So our railway government has instead invested millions on this beautiful creation, a tool, a portal, to make it all seem hilariously simple. Behold, the IRCTC!

Here’s what its Chief Architect has to say- “Our IRCTC is designed in such a way that after going through all the trouble to book the ticket, even the hellish of train journey will look pleasant.”

So I made this step-to-step instruction on how to book a ticket for those new to this enigma, and to make the journey ever easier.

Warning: Use this only if you don’t want to experience the portal in its fullest glory.

Dummies’ guide to book train ticket through IRCTC portal:

1. Wake up on time.

2. Login after three failed attempts because you forgot the password due to disuse. Then realize that it’s not due to wrong password but the screen is actually saying “Service currently not available”.

3. Throw up your hands in despair, and say “When was it ever available”. Login correctly.

4. Select the origin and destination. Click search.

5. Open your mouth wide when it shows that no seats are available. Then realize you forgot to change the date and it was showing today’s train. Change it!

6. Select your preferred train. If seats are available hit ‘Book’.

7. Connection error. Don’t get angry. Not yet. That’s how they’ve designed it. It’s all part of the grand design. Try again.

8. If you were born lucky and your stars are still shining, you’ll be redirected to a form. Fill out the form quickly before seats run out. This is a real test for your typing skills.

9. Then comes the “type from the image” part. This is tricky. It’s supposed to be a test that you are, in fact, a sentient being and not a dog trying to book a ticket. But there’s a trap. It takes longer to load the image than what your patience can allow. You will be tempted to reload the page. DON’T! Restrain yourself. Reloading will take you back to the login page and you’ll blow up. Like previously said, it’s a test. The portal is assessing your ability to keep your cool. Honestly, if you can’t control yourself now, how can you refrain from killing some irritating fool in the train? It’s a very trying and tiring journey.

10. When you’re done with this page hit ‘go’ in the bottom.

11. If everything goes well this will most likely take you to an error page.

12. Curse aloud. This will help you keep your composure.

13. Try filling the form again. Don’t worry, the second time always works.

14. Alright, that wasn’t totally true. Maybe the third time will work. Loop.

15. Got it right? Now the payment page will show up. Choose your mode of payment. I prefer card payment. Once I tried online banking but my password had expired. Thankfully it provided a link to change the password, but then it didn’t go back to the previous page. When I got back to IRCTC page my login had expired as well (totally worthwhile experience). So, stick to the cards. Enter your card number and the other numbers.  Make no mistakes here. Mistakes are the prerogative of IRCTC.

16. If you entered your figures right it’ll now go to the bank’s secure link to confirm your identity. Nothing can go wrong here, unless you entered your password wrong that is. Hit ‘Next’ with head held high and collar raised. You have done it!

17. Look at the running dots for a while. Your request is being processed. In any minute now you’ll get the tickets.

18. What? Error again? Let me guess, no ticket booked but your money was sucked into that black hole, right?

19. Curse even more. Summon all your energy to your palm, roll it into a fist and punch the monitor with all your might, but then realize that it’s a very costly PC and pull it back before the punch is delivered. Punch the wall nearby instead.

20. Apply bandage over the wound.

21. Claim a refund. Actually you don’t have to. The portal is very clever. It’ll transfer the amount to your account in a couple of days. It’s crafted to automatic perfection, you see. But in all this hassle, all the tickets would’ve already been booked.

22. Try next day. (This one is the most important step)

All the best. J

UPDATE: Now, theoretically, we can book flight tickets through IRCTC portal. I would like to have fries with THAT piece of cake.