Urinal Personalities

Just to show that I pay attention to cheesiest of things I present to you: the types of urinal personalities. What’s that? You’ll see. It’s about how to understand a man based on his behaviour there. For the sake of decency let’s refer the urinal by “work-place”. And ladies, you have no gyaan to be gained. I’m helping men understand other men. I know you’ll go read it anyway(now with more eagerness), so I’m not to be blamed if you scar your face by excessive laughing (yes, I live in the delusional world where my jokes are super awesome) or in rare cases suffer from other side-effects including but not limiting to puking, headache, grossness, several forms of somnia and increased hatred towards me. You have been warned. (and btw, you did click on the post despite the wacky title)

Oh, and don’t go around asking men what personality they are (they would lie).

Here goes:-

The Hit and Run:This guy comes in swiftly, finishes his work promptly, packs-up and leaves in a jiffy like Flash(Justice League). Sometimes, this guy doesn’t even stop to wash his hands and even if he does stop he just drenches his palms for precisely 3/10 sec and leaves without even taking a tissue or stopping near the blower (it never works anyway). The whole transaction takes about 10 seconds. But Sigh, I’ll never know what ‘sabji’ he left on the stove in kitchen that he runs so fast.

My inference: People of this type are very stringent about time-management and don’t want to waste it on such petty jobs. Wasting time pisses them off.

My advice: Dude, it’s better to leave the hands dry than merely wetting it man, coz you know, germs multiply rapidly in moisture. And… check your zipper before leaving.

The Awkward king of awkwardness:This guy comes in, looks around, sees that there are about five more work-places available, but comes and stands right next to you. What’s wrong with you pal?Seriously.

My inference: This kind of guy is actually very timid and just need someone close to feel safe. You know how lonely the work-place is!

My advice: Don’t! just… don’t!

The Social-Butterfly:This guy comes in, starts doing his ‘job’, notices that someone familiar (you) is also doing business in the same field, and starts talking like it’s not-at-all awkward. I remember once a guy I knew was next to me and I had no idea it’s him who’s beside me. All of a sudden he goes “So what are you doing?” It was irritating, I wanted to say “Irrigating farms on the outskirts of Sahara! Wanna chip in?” Of course he forgot to add “nowadays” but it’s freaky guys, don’t do it.

My inference: This kind despite all their inappropriateness, are actually very friendly (outside of the workplace). They just don’t know when to stop being friendly, even if there’s a divider between you.

My advice: Dear nice guy… Shut-up!

(Talking of dividers, some are so non-existent that you can check out the shoes (?!) of the man in the last work-place from yours. Dear builder, you may be shameless but some of us are not!)

The Creeper:This guy stands in his workplace but instead of minding his own business, looks right and left at everyone. Jeepers Creeper! Dude, what’re you doing? Okay I know what you’re doing, don’t try the last PJ on me, but seriously, what-are-you-doing?

My inference: You know when you’re alone and you get this sudden sensation of being watched? It’s this guy. Very intrusive, irritating and of course Creepy.

My advice: I can’t help you. Go see a shrink!

The “P”rofessionals:This type is rather more than one guy. They come in loud and proud, stand in the farthest possible work-places possible while still talking (about how they changed ‘equal’ sign to ‘equals’ saving the world incidentally), with complete disregard to those in between who just want a peaceful time away from the outside world.

My inference: Attention seeking girls. “I did this, I did that”. “Oh yeah, I spend even this time brainstorming. P(ee) stands for productivity, you see”

My advice: Let’s stop multi-tasking and pay attention to the task at hand shall we?

Look Ma no hands:This is a very intriguing and intimidating variety. They stand.. uh..  like Superman! Or if you’re not sure how superman stands think of Shaktimaan, or a really angry wife with both her hands on her hips. I am really not sure how this posture works out for him, how he does his ‘job’ and I can’t find out without going into the creeper profile. Very rare species.

My inference: This kind is very proud like a lion, possibly arrogant.

My advice: Soldier! Hold your gun steady or you’ll hurt someone.

The Thinker:This guy just does his business. This is seemingly the most unsophisticated, simple being. He doesn’t even look straight. He’ll be looking down at his work-place with keen eyes. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, introspection? (like we do during shower), Thinking of his past?, Future? Plotting world doom? Or maybe he’s just shy, you know, because of the, you know… Or afraid? Trying to aim like a pro-golfer? I don’t know.

My inference: This type of guy is very observant with great attention to detail. Introvert.

My advice: Calm down buddy! This is the easiest task in the world. Don’t look so strained. Ease up. Nothing’s going to fall off!

The critic:This guy is so disgusted by the smell of the work-place that he thinks the odour is actually going into his nose and embedding itself onto his tongues in the form of tiny poison pellets. Hence you can see him constantly spitting into the work-place (act of criticizing). So disrespectful towards the work-place, that he clogs it with his spit thereby making a mess of the place. But hey, I’m excessively hygienic and I don’t care about the next worker, now get outta my face coz I can throw water from two ends at once.

My inference: Obsessive-compulsive. I bet he spends the next ten minutes washing his hands, ankles, eyes, ears, nose etc.

My advice: Hold your breath buddy. It’ll last only 10 seconds. Easy. I don’t mean to brag but I can hold my breath for 2 minutes. ;)

My style? Well, I just stand there looking straight at the wall intently as if I have the x-ray vision of superman (without the superman pose though), and if someone talks to me I give them the look that says “What? You can see me?”

Now name this style whatever you want, I couldn’t. My mom told me I’m unique.

P.S- What is the purpose of this post you ask? Nothing. I didn’t write any post for past couple of months, was being diagnosed with writer’s block, so I’m overcompensating by writing crap. Deal with it!

P.P.S- You were warned. :P

World is feminist

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that most of the readers (if I have any) are of the female variety of Homo-sapiens. I have an idea of the amount of “posterior-kicking” I’m going to get. I know many people will get offended, most will curse (I encourage) and some will just ignore calling me ill-informed brat. Anyway I had to vent my feelings somehow.

So, I was travelling back from office in a bus with a friend and let me add that the day was women’s day. Sorry, God forgive me it was ‘International’ women’s day. She was going off about all the things that happened in office. First, a flower wishing happy women’s day, then another flower at the desk, then countless mails, and then cakes, and then I stopped paying attention. I started thinking about it and realised how unfair the world has been to us guys. It really hurts you know!! So bear with me while I whine like a girl- about girls. Like a true girl, tee-hee.

Let’s start with the ‘International’ women’s day. There were a couple of mails before the auspicious day that requested women to come in traditional outfit. I repeat… couple of mails… more than one!

So the next day I went expectantly, but nothing ‘traditional’ in sight. I enter the lift. There she was, a sweet lady, a generous lady I’d rather say, with neck line running so deep that when she moved forward to get out of the lift, with proper lighting I could’ve seen her… uh.. What is it called?… belly button. I was disturbed the whole day and I saw only one lady with sari (who was way more generous than others). It’s not their fault really you know, the mail never said what tradition to follow.

Well, that’s okay, I don’t have any complains about their liberality *wink wink*. My complaint is that we don’t have a day. Forget “International”, we don’t even get a “Local Men’s day”. Damn it, we don’t even have “Men’s half-day”. While mother’s day is very popular, with even TV channels and newspapers wishing all the mothers, Father’s day is reminded to us by some odd posts on Facebook.

Next, the clothing that affected me that day. You have myriad of dress varieties. All we have is shirt-pant or jeans-Tee. Okay, there are maybe others like sherwani or suits but I’m talking about normal, everyday, comfy dresses. There’s also lack of designs. We just can’t wear those bright shades, beautiful flowers, chirpy birds, rainbows or anything with more than 3 colours within a square-foot. And the worst part is… you girls can wear all that we can! And vice-versa looks terrible, I’ve tried.

Even divorce is in women’s favour (Kim Kadarshian?). In a divorce the woman gets half of his money, aaand ALL the kids. All the guy is left with is the half-property (bad-half), a broken, miserable life, no kids and still have to pay for their education. Does this apply to Indians too or am I too influenced by the western life. Anyway, I know men will agree.

JEE application was 1000 when I bought it, and it was 500 for girls and the disabled. Come on girls, how dare they associate you with the disabled. Same is for Anna University applications. GATE exam fee is Rs.1200 for men and guess what for girls? That’s right. One big Diddly Squat. But there is no such thing as free meals sir. A guy is essentially paying for a girl. I don’t know about other fees but you get my point.

Men die no care. “Gundu vedippil irandu kuzhanthaigal matrum moondru pengal utpada iruvathu per bali” (“twenty people died in the bomb blast including 2 children and 3 women”). I’m sure the other 15 casualties were a bunch of street dogs that sniffed their way into doom.

Women get special seats in buses and special car in trains. Now again it hurts me how we are likening our female counterparts with physically disabled who also get special seats and special cars in train. And if they exhaust their seats they are always welcome to come and occupy our seats. It’s not like we are going to complain or give them dirty looks, calling them insensitive, impolite or anything. I have been asked to get up from ladies’ seat plenty of times by women who, after two minutes, would get down at the next stop. It’s always right to stand up for your right (to sit down), right? Men would ever ask a woman to get up from men’s seat. Bunch of sissies!

I’ll personally give up my seat any time, not because of their gender, I just like standing in bus. Because, well, standing is good for health. Yes, it’s selfish but you see, people who sit more than 6 hours a day have increased risk of heart attack (even if you work out). It’s all part of my evil plan when I let them sit *Muhuhahaha*. But I won’t tell them this. Then they’ll all be standing and nobody sitting. Last thing I want is an old fat woman yelling at me “Sit down! This is women’s standing spot”.

Nobody gives a lift to a stranded man. No need for explanation. He probably deserved it.
You feel bad, dress up, go out and bask in the attention you are getting. I feel low, it’s better to curl up in the corner of the room than going out and getting swallowed by depression. The only girl that gives me attention is our street dog. But she only loves me for my biscuits. I think she’s cheating on me with the neighbour. Like chandler says “It hurts me, it physically hurts me”.
Say hello to a girl, she claims that so-so guy was teasing her and BAM, he’s behind the bars. No proof needed. If I complain even with a photo of a girl stalking me, they’ll go “Awww! Isn’t it cute. She honestly loves you man!” The rules are very, VERY lenient. Today, if she hates some guy for whatever reason, he stole her lollipop in LKG, didn’t say hi back etc etc… she can even kill him and claim that he was harassing her. No questions asked. We think sexism is discrimination against women, but believe it or not, it does mean the other way around too. Really!!
I think God designed the world to pamper His dear ladies. He even created the first man to prepare the place for her majesty’s arrival.

Please be thankful and stop complaining. World is a good place for everyone. It’s sad to see the increasing misandry in our country. Just because some men go bad doesn’t mean they all are. Men truly respect women. No woman wrote a song for another woman. When a girl complements another girl she’s secretly jealous or wants a complement back but when a guy complements he really means it. It’s rightly said that only a man can truly appreciate a woman and love her more than anything else.

I’m sure the people behind women’s day celebration in cognizant were men. They are like that. They don’t look for appreciation, they just give. They don’t expect special treatment; they like making others feel special. I say ‘they’ not ‘we’ because I consider myself just a boy when compared to those gentlemen. My dad still refuses to buy a new shirt while my mom’s collection is having an exponential growth even though she can wear a new saree for each day of the year. I guess that kind of ‘Man’ness is still a long way for me to go. Isn’t it funny how ‘Man’ness sounds like Manners?

Okay, the history of women may have been a nightmare. Some problems still exist and men are not the cause, at least not the only cause.

Yes, the world is not fair to women. I’m sorry it does not give equal rights to you, because it gives more than that.

Yes, it is man-dominated society, but the men are feminists.
Finally, before I go into hiding, I would like to end this by quoting Eminem’s dialog
“I’m just playing ladies, you know I love you”

 P.S- I just found out that there really IS an “International Men’s Day”. But hey! Who knew? On a related note, there also is an “International Monkey Day”. But hey! Who knew?P.P.S- No, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I’m not misogynist either (refer to the Eminem reference)P.P.P.S- I wrote this post to make women feel good but somehow I unwittingly filled it with sarcasm. My bad! I whine a lot, I know. I could’ve written 10 more pages but it’s 1 in the morning already. Be glad that I stopped at this length. If you agree to even one point I’m a win.