Urinal Personalities

Just to show that I pay attention to cheesiest of things I present to you: the types of urinal personalities. What’s that? You’ll see. It’s about how to understand a man based on his behaviour there. For the sake of decency let’s refer the urinal by “work-place”. And ladies, you have no gyaan to be gained. I’m helping men understand other men. I know you’ll go read it anyway(now with more eagerness), so I’m not to be blamed if you scar your face by excessive laughing (yes, I live in the delusional world where my jokes are super awesome) or in rare cases suffer from other side-effects including but not limiting to puking, headache, grossness, several forms of somnia and increased hatred towards me. You have been warned. (and btw, you did click on the post despite the wacky title)

Oh, and don’t go around asking men what personality they are (they would lie).

Here goes:-

The Hit and Run:This guy comes in swiftly, finishes his work promptly, packs-up and leaves in a jiffy like Flash(Justice League). Sometimes, this guy doesn’t even stop to wash his hands and even if he does stop he just drenches his palms for precisely 3/10 sec and leaves without even taking a tissue or stopping near the blower (it never works anyway). The whole transaction takes about 10 seconds. But Sigh, I’ll never know what ‘sabji’ he left on the stove in kitchen that he runs so fast.

My inference: People of this type are very stringent about time-management and don’t want to waste it on such petty jobs. Wasting time pisses them off.

My advice: Dude, it’s better to leave the hands dry than merely wetting it man, coz you know, germs multiply rapidly in moisture. And… check your zipper before leaving.

The Awkward king of awkwardness:This guy comes in, looks around, sees that there are about five more work-places available, but comes and stands right next to you. What’s wrong with you pal?Seriously.

My inference: This kind of guy is actually very timid and just need someone close to feel safe. You know how lonely the work-place is!

My advice: Don’t! just… don’t!

The Social-Butterfly:This guy comes in, starts doing his ‘job’, notices that someone familiar (you) is also doing business in the same field, and starts talking like it’s not-at-all awkward. I remember once a guy I knew was next to me and I had no idea it’s him who’s beside me. All of a sudden he goes “So what are you doing?” It was irritating, I wanted to say “Irrigating farms on the outskirts of Sahara! Wanna chip in?” Of course he forgot to add “nowadays” but it’s freaky guys, don’t do it.

My inference: This kind despite all their inappropriateness, are actually very friendly (outside of the workplace). They just don’t know when to stop being friendly, even if there’s a divider between you.

My advice: Dear nice guy… Shut-up!

(Talking of dividers, some are so non-existent that you can check out the shoes (?!) of the man in the last work-place from yours. Dear builder, you may be shameless but some of us are not!)

The Creeper:This guy stands in his workplace but instead of minding his own business, looks right and left at everyone. Jeepers Creeper! Dude, what’re you doing? Okay I know what you’re doing, don’t try the last PJ on me, but seriously, what-are-you-doing?

My inference: You know when you’re alone and you get this sudden sensation of being watched? It’s this guy. Very intrusive, irritating and of course Creepy.

My advice: I can’t help you. Go see a shrink!

The “P”rofessionals:This type is rather more than one guy. They come in loud and proud, stand in the farthest possible work-places possible while still talking (about how they changed ‘equal’ sign to ‘equals’ saving the world incidentally), with complete disregard to those in between who just want a peaceful time away from the outside world.

My inference: Attention seeking girls. “I did this, I did that”. “Oh yeah, I spend even this time brainstorming. P(ee) stands for productivity, you see”

My advice: Let’s stop multi-tasking and pay attention to the task at hand shall we?

Look Ma no hands:This is a very intriguing and intimidating variety. They stand.. uh..  like Superman! Or if you’re not sure how superman stands think of Shaktimaan, or a really angry wife with both her hands on her hips. I am really not sure how this posture works out for him, how he does his ‘job’ and I can’t find out without going into the creeper profile. Very rare species.

My inference: This kind is very proud like a lion, possibly arrogant.

My advice: Soldier! Hold your gun steady or you’ll hurt someone.

The Thinker:This guy just does his business. This is seemingly the most unsophisticated, simple being. He doesn’t even look straight. He’ll be looking down at his work-place with keen eyes. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, introspection? (like we do during shower), Thinking of his past?, Future? Plotting world doom? Or maybe he’s just shy, you know, because of the, you know… Or afraid? Trying to aim like a pro-golfer? I don’t know.

My inference: This type of guy is very observant with great attention to detail. Introvert.

My advice: Calm down buddy! This is the easiest task in the world. Don’t look so strained. Ease up. Nothing’s going to fall off!

The critic:This guy is so disgusted by the smell of the work-place that he thinks the odour is actually going into his nose and embedding itself onto his tongues in the form of tiny poison pellets. Hence you can see him constantly spitting into the work-place (act of criticizing). So disrespectful towards the work-place, that he clogs it with his spit thereby making a mess of the place. But hey, I’m excessively hygienic and I don’t care about the next worker, now get outta my face coz I can throw water from two ends at once.

My inference: Obsessive-compulsive. I bet he spends the next ten minutes washing his hands, ankles, eyes, ears, nose etc.

My advice: Hold your breath buddy. It’ll last only 10 seconds. Easy. I don’t mean to brag but I can hold my breath for 2 minutes. ;)

My style? Well, I just stand there looking straight at the wall intently as if I have the x-ray vision of superman (without the superman pose though), and if someone talks to me I give them the look that says “What? You can see me?”

Now name this style whatever you want, I couldn’t. My mom told me I’m unique.

P.S- What is the purpose of this post you ask? Nothing. I didn’t write any post for past couple of months, was being diagnosed with writer’s block, so I’m overcompensating by writing crap. Deal with it!

P.P.S- You were warned. :P