Iron man 3

I’m going through a phase where no movie seems to impress me. Being a hard-core comics lover I’ve read all kinds of stories and seen all kinds of twists. The last movie I loved was Avengers exactly a year back. Honestly I didn’t even like Dark Knight Rises; it’s exactly like a comic series I read a while back (with the same name). I don’t know if it happens to everybody but I just lose interest halfway through the movie. It’s like I can tell what’s going to happen next. Just when I had decided that there’s no cure for me, I saw Iron man 3.

Let’s just be honest. The first movie was Okay. The second was a CG packed disaster. Then Tony Stark carried the nuclear warhead into the wormhole destroying the alien mother ship and saving the world (or maybe just New York) in Avengers. We also witnessed him transforming into a selfless hero. Before that he was just a selfish, attention-seeking, wannabe role-model. Even Batman never comes out of his mask and says “I’m Batman” (and by God he says “I’m Batman” a lot). That’s when we learned this Iron man really is something. This story happens after the alien invasion.

Yes, our lovable genius-slash-billionaire-slash-philanthropist is back. Did I miss something? Oh yes, he’s not a playboy anymore. He’s in a committed relationship with, who else, Miss Pepper Potts who was just a personal assistant and then became CEO and finally his lover (workplace affairs I say). Tony’s only concern now is her safety and spends sleepless nights designing better armours trying to keep the only thing he loves safe.

Now we all know what happens when a protagonist is concerned about his love and he just happens to be stupid enough to reveal his secret identity to the world. There’s a reason superheroes wear masks buddy!

Now let’s see who we’ve got here. There’s a troubled genius who once sought Tony for partnership but was let down because our charmer was charming a… better partner. Obviously that’s not gonna go well right? We’ve seen thousands of movies to know that. Tony confesses in the very beginning that he had created demons. I thought that’s just a metaphor. Now that I think of it, that’s a brilliant analogy. Don’t worry, I’m not spoiling the story, people won’t even consider this correlation when they watch the movie. Now you can.

Then we have a terrorist played by Ben Kingsley. Absolutely brilliant performance I must say. When was the last time you saw a bad guy in the movies and thanked god that this character does not exist in real life. He’s that good. He sends out videos like our regular terrorist, looks like a regular terrorist, kills like a regular terrorist, but when you hear his voice you just shrink in your seat. Such a mixture of terror and confidence he exudes that even the president starts sweating in his oval office. But what really impressed (or dazzled, call it whatever) me performance-wise was his other personality. Here’s where I stop and let you find it out on your own.

As if these weren’t problem enough for the poor Tony we have bloody mutants now, err, super-hot mutants exactly. Who are they, what they can do? Well, watch the movie.

Remember when Captain America mocked Iron man saying “Take off the armour and what are you?” I think our Tony took that a little personally (regardless of the perfect comeback in that movie) because he proved what he is even without the armour. You just need brain you see. And brain is another important subject in the movie, because well, that’s our operating system and like any other software it can be upgraded. We do it every day, learning new skills and stuffs. A prodigy takes it further and upgrades the basic kernel, the DNA. Ok now I’ll stop.

Pepper is another amazing character. I like it when the ladies in the movie aren’t just eye candy and actually have a role to play. Pepper is such a great character. No matter how brilliant the guy (Tony in our case) may be, he needs a woman to take care of him. That is our Pepper. She even gives up her CEO position in the second movie because she wanted to look after Tony and not the company. How many women would do that? She is everything a guy could ever want. Gwyneth Paltrow plays it so good (that it was worth looking up her name). No wonder the playboy stopped playing the field and retired.

Now I have to sing praises for another character. Guess who it is! I can safely say that whatever you thought was wrong. No, it’s not Robert Downey Jr (who is such an awesome actor I simply cannot do justice with my writing, he’s the show). The character I’m talking about is not even alive. It’s Jarvis, the Artificial Intelligence system that controls the entire Stark mansion and also is available to Tony in the armour and does his work for him from telephoning people to blowing people up. What I loved about Jarvis is its genuine concern for its master’s welfare often jibing at his recklessness with sarcastic comments. It helps him investigate, it helps him navigate, it gives him company when Pepper has gone to bed and he can’t sleep. It affectionately calls Tony “Sir” and Tony reciprocates by calling it “Buddy”. If computers are this faithful to their creators then there won’t be a threat of computers taking over mankind like in Terminator or Matrix. Is it wrong that I fell in love with a computer and is it even more awkward that the A.I happens to speak in… uh… a male voice?

Whatever, I just loved the scene when Tony is a hundred feet underwater weighed down by his own armour and Jarvis says

“Take a deep breath sir”

Stan Lee makes cameo appearance as usual. In case you’re wondering who in the shell that is, he’s not a martial arts champion and in no way related to Jet Lee or Bruce Lee. True Marvel fan would know Stan. He created many (hundreds in fact) superhit characters like Spiderman, X-men, Fantastic Four, all of Avengers including Iron man. He can be seen in all of marvel movies based on his characters, for a few seconds only though. Why am I saying this? So the next time you see a marvel movie you can look out for a really old guy with bushy white moustache and square glasses. That’s him, the god of Marvel universe. In this movie though, he’s seen judging a bunch of models in bikini. You lucky old *censored*.

There is no lack of humour in the movie. Even during intense moments Tony comes out of the screen and tickles you (3D movie ya’know). Then you’ll laugh and be like “Oh come on! It’s a serious scene” and then you’ll giggle some more.

In overall the movie is okay (in a universe where okay is synonymous to awesome). An evil genius, a terrorist and bunch of mutants may sound cliché but there’s nothing cliché in this movie. You have to see it to see. Seems like the hero is trapped between a pool of bad guys doesn’t it? I guess I made it seem a lot complex. How he deals with all this mess makes a fantastic story.

If you are a Marvel fan like me then you won’t be disappointed. Another marvellous creation from Marvel.

Moral of the story: We all create Demons!

Urinal Personalities

Just to show that I pay attention to cheesiest of things I present to you: the types of urinal personalities. What’s that? You’ll see. It’s about how to understand a man based on his behaviour there. For the sake of decency let’s refer the urinal by “work-place”. And ladies, you have no gyaan to be gained. I’m helping men understand other men. I know you’ll go read it anyway(now with more eagerness), so I’m not to be blamed if you scar your face by excessive laughing (yes, I live in the delusional world where my jokes are super awesome) or in rare cases suffer from other side-effects including but not limiting to puking, headache, grossness, several forms of somnia and increased hatred towards me. You have been warned. (and btw, you did click on the post despite the wacky title)

Oh, and don’t go around asking men what personality they are (they would lie).

Here goes:-

The Hit and Run:This guy comes in swiftly, finishes his work promptly, packs-up and leaves in a jiffy like Flash(Justice League). Sometimes, this guy doesn’t even stop to wash his hands and even if he does stop he just drenches his palms for precisely 3/10 sec and leaves without even taking a tissue or stopping near the blower (it never works anyway). The whole transaction takes about 10 seconds. But Sigh, I’ll never know what ‘sabji’ he left on the stove in kitchen that he runs so fast.

My inference: People of this type are very stringent about time-management and don’t want to waste it on such petty jobs. Wasting time pisses them off.

My advice: Dude, it’s better to leave the hands dry than merely wetting it man, coz you know, germs multiply rapidly in moisture. And… check your zipper before leaving.

The Awkward king of awkwardness:This guy comes in, looks around, sees that there are about five more work-places available, but comes and stands right next to you. What’s wrong with you pal?Seriously.

My inference: This kind of guy is actually very timid and just need someone close to feel safe. You know how lonely the work-place is!

My advice: Don’t! just… don’t!

The Social-Butterfly:This guy comes in, starts doing his ‘job’, notices that someone familiar (you) is also doing business in the same field, and starts talking like it’s not-at-all awkward. I remember once a guy I knew was next to me and I had no idea it’s him who’s beside me. All of a sudden he goes “So what are you doing?” It was irritating, I wanted to say “Irrigating farms on the outskirts of Sahara! Wanna chip in?” Of course he forgot to add “nowadays” but it’s freaky guys, don’t do it.

My inference: This kind despite all their inappropriateness, are actually very friendly (outside of the workplace). They just don’t know when to stop being friendly, even if there’s a divider between you.

My advice: Dear nice guy… Shut-up!

(Talking of dividers, some are so non-existent that you can check out the shoes (?!) of the man in the last work-place from yours. Dear builder, you may be shameless but some of us are not!)

The Creeper:This guy stands in his workplace but instead of minding his own business, looks right and left at everyone. Jeepers Creeper! Dude, what’re you doing? Okay I know what you’re doing, don’t try the last PJ on me, but seriously, what-are-you-doing?

My inference: You know when you’re alone and you get this sudden sensation of being watched? It’s this guy. Very intrusive, irritating and of course Creepy.

My advice: I can’t help you. Go see a shrink!

The “P”rofessionals:This type is rather more than one guy. They come in loud and proud, stand in the farthest possible work-places possible while still talking (about how they changed ‘equal’ sign to ‘equals’ saving the world incidentally), with complete disregard to those in between who just want a peaceful time away from the outside world.

My inference: Attention seeking girls. “I did this, I did that”. “Oh yeah, I spend even this time brainstorming. P(ee) stands for productivity, you see”

My advice: Let’s stop multi-tasking and pay attention to the task at hand shall we?

Look Ma no hands:This is a very intriguing and intimidating variety. They stand.. uh..  like Superman! Or if you’re not sure how superman stands think of Shaktimaan, or a really angry wife with both her hands on her hips. I am really not sure how this posture works out for him, how he does his ‘job’ and I can’t find out without going into the creeper profile. Very rare species.

My inference: This kind is very proud like a lion, possibly arrogant.

My advice: Soldier! Hold your gun steady or you’ll hurt someone.

The Thinker:This guy just does his business. This is seemingly the most unsophisticated, simple being. He doesn’t even look straight. He’ll be looking down at his work-place with keen eyes. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, introspection? (like we do during shower), Thinking of his past?, Future? Plotting world doom? Or maybe he’s just shy, you know, because of the, you know… Or afraid? Trying to aim like a pro-golfer? I don’t know.

My inference: This type of guy is very observant with great attention to detail. Introvert.

My advice: Calm down buddy! This is the easiest task in the world. Don’t look so strained. Ease up. Nothing’s going to fall off!

The critic:This guy is so disgusted by the smell of the work-place that he thinks the odour is actually going into his nose and embedding itself onto his tongues in the form of tiny poison pellets. Hence you can see him constantly spitting into the work-place (act of criticizing). So disrespectful towards the work-place, that he clogs it with his spit thereby making a mess of the place. But hey, I’m excessively hygienic and I don’t care about the next worker, now get outta my face coz I can throw water from two ends at once.

My inference: Obsessive-compulsive. I bet he spends the next ten minutes washing his hands, ankles, eyes, ears, nose etc.

My advice: Hold your breath buddy. It’ll last only 10 seconds. Easy. I don’t mean to brag but I can hold my breath for 2 minutes. ;)

My style? Well, I just stand there looking straight at the wall intently as if I have the x-ray vision of superman (without the superman pose though), and if someone talks to me I give them the look that says “What? You can see me?”

Now name this style whatever you want, I couldn’t. My mom told me I’m unique.

P.S- What is the purpose of this post you ask? Nothing. I didn’t write any post for past couple of months, was being diagnosed with writer’s block, so I’m overcompensating by writing crap. Deal with it!

P.P.S- You were warned. :P

World is feminist

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that most of the readers (if I have any) are of the female variety of Homo-sapiens. I have an idea of the amount of “posterior-kicking” I’m going to get. I know many people will get offended, most will curse (I encourage) and some will just ignore calling me ill-informed brat. Anyway I had to vent my feelings somehow.

So, I was travelling back from office in a bus with a friend and let me add that the day was women’s day. Sorry, God forgive me it was ‘International’ women’s day. She was going off about all the things that happened in office. First, a flower wishing happy women’s day, then another flower at the desk, then countless mails, and then cakes, and then I stopped paying attention. I started thinking about it and realised how unfair the world has been to us guys. It really hurts you know!! So bear with me while I whine like a girl- about girls. Like a true girl, tee-hee.

Let’s start with the ‘International’ women’s day. There were a couple of mails before the auspicious day that requested women to come in traditional outfit. I repeat… couple of mails… more than one!

So the next day I went expectantly, but nothing ‘traditional’ in sight. I enter the lift. There she was, a sweet lady, a generous lady I’d rather say, with neck line running so deep that when she moved forward to get out of the lift, with proper lighting I could’ve seen her… uh.. What is it called?… belly button. I was disturbed the whole day and I saw only one lady with sari (who was way more generous than others). It’s not their fault really you know, the mail never said what tradition to follow.

Well, that’s okay, I don’t have any complains about their liberality *wink wink*. My complaint is that we don’t have a day. Forget “International”, we don’t even get a “Local Men’s day”. Damn it, we don’t even have “Men’s half-day”. While mother’s day is very popular, with even TV channels and newspapers wishing all the mothers, Father’s day is reminded to us by some odd posts on Facebook.

Next, the clothing that affected me that day. You have myriad of dress varieties. All we have is shirt-pant or jeans-Tee. Okay, there are maybe others like sherwani or suits but I’m talking about normal, everyday, comfy dresses. There’s also lack of designs. We just can’t wear those bright shades, beautiful flowers, chirpy birds, rainbows or anything with more than 3 colours within a square-foot. And the worst part is… you girls can wear all that we can! And vice-versa looks terrible, I’ve tried.

Even divorce is in women’s favour (Kim Kadarshian?). In a divorce the woman gets half of his money, aaand ALL the kids. All the guy is left with is the half-property (bad-half), a broken, miserable life, no kids and still have to pay for their education. Does this apply to Indians too or am I too influenced by the western life. Anyway, I know men will agree.

JEE application was 1000 when I bought it, and it was 500 for girls and the disabled. Come on girls, how dare they associate you with the disabled. Same is for Anna University applications. GATE exam fee is Rs.1200 for men and guess what for girls? That’s right. One big Diddly Squat. But there is no such thing as free meals sir. A guy is essentially paying for a girl. I don’t know about other fees but you get my point.

Men die no care. “Gundu vedippil irandu kuzhanthaigal matrum moondru pengal utpada iruvathu per bali” (“twenty people died in the bomb blast including 2 children and 3 women”). I’m sure the other 15 casualties were a bunch of street dogs that sniffed their way into doom.

Women get special seats in buses and special car in trains. Now again it hurts me how we are likening our female counterparts with physically disabled who also get special seats and special cars in train. And if they exhaust their seats they are always welcome to come and occupy our seats. It’s not like we are going to complain or give them dirty looks, calling them insensitive, impolite or anything. I have been asked to get up from ladies’ seat plenty of times by women who, after two minutes, would get down at the next stop. It’s always right to stand up for your right (to sit down), right? Men would ever ask a woman to get up from men’s seat. Bunch of sissies!

I’ll personally give up my seat any time, not because of their gender, I just like standing in bus. Because, well, standing is good for health. Yes, it’s selfish but you see, people who sit more than 6 hours a day have increased risk of heart attack (even if you work out). It’s all part of my evil plan when I let them sit *Muhuhahaha*. But I won’t tell them this. Then they’ll all be standing and nobody sitting. Last thing I want is an old fat woman yelling at me “Sit down! This is women’s standing spot”.

Nobody gives a lift to a stranded man. No need for explanation. He probably deserved it.
You feel bad, dress up, go out and bask in the attention you are getting. I feel low, it’s better to curl up in the corner of the room than going out and getting swallowed by depression. The only girl that gives me attention is our street dog. But she only loves me for my biscuits. I think she’s cheating on me with the neighbour. Like chandler says “It hurts me, it physically hurts me”.
Say hello to a girl, she claims that so-so guy was teasing her and BAM, he’s behind the bars. No proof needed. If I complain even with a photo of a girl stalking me, they’ll go “Awww! Isn’t it cute. She honestly loves you man!” The rules are very, VERY lenient. Today, if she hates some guy for whatever reason, he stole her lollipop in LKG, didn’t say hi back etc etc… she can even kill him and claim that he was harassing her. No questions asked. We think sexism is discrimination against women, but believe it or not, it does mean the other way around too. Really!!
I think God designed the world to pamper His dear ladies. He even created the first man to prepare the place for her majesty’s arrival.

Please be thankful and stop complaining. World is a good place for everyone. It’s sad to see the increasing misandry in our country. Just because some men go bad doesn’t mean they all are. Men truly respect women. No woman wrote a song for another woman. When a girl complements another girl she’s secretly jealous or wants a complement back but when a guy complements he really means it. It’s rightly said that only a man can truly appreciate a woman and love her more than anything else.

I’m sure the people behind women’s day celebration in cognizant were men. They are like that. They don’t look for appreciation, they just give. They don’t expect special treatment; they like making others feel special. I say ‘they’ not ‘we’ because I consider myself just a boy when compared to those gentlemen. My dad still refuses to buy a new shirt while my mom’s collection is having an exponential growth even though she can wear a new saree for each day of the year. I guess that kind of ‘Man’ness is still a long way for me to go. Isn’t it funny how ‘Man’ness sounds like Manners?

Okay, the history of women may have been a nightmare. Some problems still exist and men are not the cause, at least not the only cause.

Yes, the world is not fair to women. I’m sorry it does not give equal rights to you, because it gives more than that.

Yes, it is man-dominated society, but the men are feminists.
Finally, before I go into hiding, I would like to end this by quoting Eminem’s dialog
“I’m just playing ladies, you know I love you”

 P.S- I just found out that there really IS an “International Men’s Day”. But hey! Who knew? On a related note, there also is an “International Monkey Day”. But hey! Who knew?P.P.S- No, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I’m not misogynist either (refer to the Eminem reference)P.P.P.S- I wrote this post to make women feel good but somehow I unwittingly filled it with sarcasm. My bad! I whine a lot, I know. I could’ve written 10 more pages but it’s 1 in the morning already. Be glad that I stopped at this length. If you agree to even one point I’m a win.

How Babies are made

Origin is one of the most intriguing subject to mankind that has always has uncertain answers. While grown people wonder how universe began and how life came to a start in our planet, our little scientists wonder how babies come into existence. Here’s how to answer the little fellas when their curious minds, probing various subjects, finally settle down to this question.

Nice Way:

Little girl goes near her dad who’s working on his computer.

“Daddy! How are babies made? Mom says she’s going to give me a baby brother soon.”

Dad is embarrassed but thinks a little and decides to tell her. Dad lifts her onto his lap. He does a little google picture search and shows her a picture of amoeba splitting into two.

“Okay… you see there? I made this picture just for you. That’s a small living thing called amoeba. Let’s take them for example.”

“Why don’t you show me picture of people making babies”

Because I don’t want to go to jail. “Err… sorry honey, we don’t have picture of people making babies in 

our computer“(laughs a little inside)

“Okay” she says disappointed.

“So, this amoeba. It eats and grows up like us. When it’s too big to hold its weight, it starts breaking and splits into two individuals.”

“Okay…” she says slowly, not able to make the connection with humans.

“That’s all. You see, when mom is old enough she starts eating a lot. She becomes silly fat.”

“Yes, her belly is as big as grandpa’s!” She exclaims, finally getting it.

“Uh… yes. That extra weight becomes a baby slowly inside her. When the baby is big, mom will have difficulty holding the extra weight. Then one day the belly will fall off her and the baby will be separate. That’s how you were born.” Dad finishes congratulating himself for pulling off the story perfectly.

“Ooh!” little girl makes the face of an adult who just understood the theory of relativity.

She tries to recall the concept “Hmm… We grow up. We eat lot. We get big belly. Belly becomes baby. So if big belly becomes baby, why didn’t grandpa give a baby yet?”

Dad looks dumbstruck.

Moral: Lie doesn’t works, even with kids.

Not-so-Nice Way:

Little brother came into big brother’s room and asked “Bhaiya, how did mom and dad make me? I’m asking them but they’re not telling me. They said some stork brought me home. I know they’re lying.”

Big brother, who was working on his laptop, got irritated by the intervention, but decided not to be rude to his little brother.

“Wow… you’re one smart fella aren’t you”, big bro turned and looked at him, then said “I’ll tell you but you shouldn’t tell this to anyone okay?”

“Okay” little boy jumped up and down in expectation.

“I’m not supposed to tell you this, and maybe you’re too young to know this, but I believe in the right to information”

“Hmm”

“You’ll most definitely get shocked after hearing this so I’m preparing you for it by saying these things. But in case you still find it horrifying and you wanna cry, do it here. You shouldn’t show it in front of mom and dad, okay?”

“Okay” said the little boy somewhat uncomfortable now.

“Great… Now… you see there are certain things that grown up people do. Mostly married people”

“Oh… What’s that?” boy asked wide eyed.

“Lot of stupid stuffs, you won’t understand most of them. One of them…” He said looking into little brother’s eyes, “is called adoption… you were adopted!” he said trying to hold off the smirk.

The kid never pestered his parents again.

Moral: Hurtful things, even if they are lies, work.

Disclaimer: Don’t try this at home.