Cricket Curse

I have a confession to make: I don’t like Cricket. I don’t know why. I never did. It’s really hard being a non-cricket-lover, you know? Whenever I tell someone I’m not into Cricket they just attempt the pop-the-eyes-out feat and stare at me as if I’m a terrorist and ask “Are you really an Indian?” I don’t mind though. I’m so used to this treatment that I can mouth sync with them as they ask me this question.

A couple of months back when I was in Chennai for work a guy asked me if one of the T20 matches with India is going to be held in Kolkata (where I work ). When I said I don’t watch cricket and hence don’t know, he asked without hesitation, “Really? What do you do then?”

“Actually dude, I’m much more interested in watching my life falling apart, thank you very much!” I wanted to say. How am I supposed to even answer someone who thinks that one can’t have a life during World Cup? But it’s all fine and dandy, because-

I have another confession to make: If I somehow get to watch India playing, they start to lose.

I found this during 2003 World Cup. India was about to lose the semi-finals and even though I wasn’t watching with interest it was the only thing running on our TV. I went to sleep thinking it’s not worth staying up for and when I woke up I heard India had won. Then came the final match with Australia which I watched to try and gain interest in cricket. India lost, and that’s when I realized maybe India won in semi-finals because I stopped watching. My college friends found the connection through the striking coincidences which my presence caused, and during 2011 World Cup my roommates locked me in the apartment and took the TV to the terrace to watch the final match. I didn’t mind at all and co-operated like a proper hostage, and when they understood that India’s winning chances were too large I was let out to watch that last phenomenal sixer. I also was the reason for India losing the World Cup last year, but everyone was blaming Anushka Sharma. Let me do the flashback thingy and recount what really happened that day.

*Flashback Thingy*

I stroll into the office cafeteria one fine afternoon. I find that a match is going on and everyone’s face is turned towards the LCD TV like sunflowers facing the sun. I go buy Biriyani and look for my friends. They wave at me from a hard to reach spot. The entire cafeteria is overflowing with people and I push my way towards my folks and crouch between two slabs to reach the place where we can only eat standing.

“Nice place you guys chose.” I say, “Others won’t come in here so easily. BTW what match is it that everyone’s so keenly watching?”

“Dude!? It’s the semi-finals. India vs Australia. If we win we’ll get into the final.” one of my friends reply so that the concept goes through my thick skull.

“Oops. India? I shouldn’t watch it then. India loses whenever I watch.” I’m done punctuating the sentence and a wicket falls. Everyone turns to look at me in disbelief.

“What the hell man? Why did you do that?” one of them asks me as if I had taken the wicket. It’s like I shot down our own people in a war, and there’s no way to turn off friendly fire.

“I’m sorry” I say feeling guilty, “I’ll just eat without looking at the TV”

I proceed to hastily stuff my mouth with Biriyani trying to only concentrate on the food. About five  minutes in and I can’t take it anymore. Could it be true that I have some kind of curse? How can my watching the match affect their performance? I wonder and being a true believer in Science’s test-and-verify methodology I steal a glance at the TV without my friends noticing. Kohli strikes a fantastic shot towards the sky.

Six! See It’s not a curse. I’m just imagining it. I feel relieved finally and happy. Remember one of those romantic scenes where hero and heroine run towards each other across a rose farm and fall into each other’s arms? The ball slides smoothly into a fielder’s palms just like that. Oopsi daisy, I think and stare back at my food. My teammates become wary of my presence and say, “Man, your presence near the TV is dangerous for India. Please eat quick.”

“I know I know I’m trying!” I plead and gobble rest of the food. I crouch out of the place, wash my hands and leave. Reaching the exit door of the cafeteria I look back to wave a ‘bye’ to my friends, and the whole hall roars “OHH!!!”

Another man down. Oh come on! I throw up my hands and storm out.

*Flashforward Thingy*

Why am I writing this now so long after that match? One, because had I written it back then I’d have been assassinated. Two, because of what happened recently during T20 World Cup.

*Flashback Thingy*

I was lost in watching anime on my mobile as my roommate was watching a match on the TV. I heard the words “… third umpire…” and I looked up curiously. I like how third umpire makes decisions, by making the batsman dance back and forth on the screen. As I looked up the umpire declared “OUT” in bold letters. No way! Don’t tell me it’s India playing, I stared and sure enough it was Yuvraj Singh who got out. It was India vs New Zealand.

I left to have dinner and there too was another TV blaring cricket commentary. In our team’s WhatsApp group one guy asked “Bhags are you watching the match?” and another one replied “Why? What happened?” The first guy responded “Wickets are falling like rain!”

You guys know me so well, I wiped a joyful tear and replied “Guys I came to have dinner. I’m not even watching the match but it’s running on the TV. I can’t stop myself from hearing.” They warned me not to look at the TV, and I didn’t. For some time. Curiosity got the best of me again and I scanned the general direction of TV. Wickets started to fall again. By the time I got up from the dinner table I had devoured the rest of Indian team for dessert. Dhoni blamed the batsmen for not taking the game seriously.

*Flashforward Thingy*

You see my plight? I cannot support my own country even if I wanted to. So now whenever someone asks me why I don’t watch Cricket I have a better answer than saying “I have better things to do… like watching Teletubbies and Chota Bheem.”

This is a superpower I didn’t ask for. I wish I could trade it for some other power. But as a fellow superhero said- “With great power comes great irresponsibility.”

Deadpool said that, if you’re wondering. So now I’m looking forward to monetize this power but I’m afraid I won’t get many takers in my country and there goes my plans for supporting “Make In India”. If you know some foreign clients who will pay me good amount let me know. Bitcoins accepted ;)

Disclaimer: The superpower only works on live telecast. Duh!